im sitting here reading the best letter ive ever recieved. again. for maybe the 80th time. "...or i could talk about nothing. because we are close now, arent we. close enough that nothing might mean so much more than a something i try to write down"
the author of this letter has seen me at my best and my worst. and my smartest and my dumbest. my most "what the hell was she thinking?!" and my most "good call!!" the author of this letter is still one of my closest friends.
recently, my life has been turning into the cliched garden state soundtrack and i just want to curl up and watch a movie and, yes, all i want to do is read the perks of being a wallflower. because for the first time in almost ever, i feel like one. its weird. this gigantic organization has chosen me because im good at meeting people and including people and understanding people and being inspired by people. and yet, almost at the exact same time, a tiny school is wrecking my confidence in every aforementioned aspect.
i tried to explain this to someone who, despite our best efforts, is becoming a pretty important person to me lately. "welcome to life" he said, "it sucks."
well the truth is, i dont want it to suck! i want to live in my own tiny universe of awe-inspiring people who make me laugh and write me letters that are so full of honesty and feeling that i want to cry! and i dont just want to sit in on my bed and read all of the funny things that we used to say, i want to go back and say them! i dont want to hear about my dad meeting one of my favorite musicians, i want to go to columbus with jack and see him perform! and i dont want it to be cold and dark out, i want to lay on the sand and be so overwhelmed by the sun that the only logical option is to throw myself into the waves! i want to run through the halls of my fucking high school! and yes, over-played as it may be, i sure as hell want to scream at the top of my lungs!
this, ladies and gentleman, is what i like to call restlessness. the overwhelming sense that i have to be somewhere else, anywhere else. the voice inside of my head telling me to do something, anything, to change the situation that i'm in. towards the end of high school, i grew so resentful of the fact that i would count down to things, that i would always wish that time went faster. and yet, i see myself doing the same thing here and now.
i dont have a cute, witty way to wrap this up, except to say that maybe we all have to get to a breaking point to make a break from our every day lives (i.e. thanksgiving break next week) really mean something.
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3 comments:
i promise things will get better. how bout we run through the halls of Sackler and scream at the top of our lungs?? or next time it rains i say we wear garbage bags and find a hole somewhere to yell in.
Indeed, the majority of life sucks, its those chillin' moments and momentos that you need to hold on to.
Instead, I go through my closet trying to decide when I will finally be able to throw some of my "many old hats" away.
It's like the feeling that nothing has started yet; that there will be a "reset" button, and THEN you'll be able to find your people
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