everything and nothing

this actually happens to me a lot.
i get worked up and so frustrated and annoyed about a class and the requirements and the teacher and then suddenly it makes sense.
the first time this happened to me in a significant way was during my sophomore year chemistry class. nothing made sense and i hated everything about the subject and then...magically...i understood chemistry for an entire week. it was a glorious week. since that moment over three years ago, i've wanted to strangle mr. heaston for giving me that glimmer of hope, but still. it happened. i understood.
anyway. im sitting on my bed, reading Irrational Man: A Study in Existential Philosophy by William Barrett, hating the fact that I have twenty pages to go. but then:
"when, by chance or fate, we fall into an extreme situation--one, that is, on the far side of what is normal, routine, accepted, traditional, safeguarded--we are threatened by the void. the soildity of the so-called real world evaporates under the pressure of our situation."
its like he's mocking me for being frustrated with the material. for being nervous about doing well in the class. for not getting it.

this whole situation (as in enjoying a single paragraph out of a 60 page assignment) isnt going to change my whole philosophy on life or even probably change my entire outlook on the class, but at least this happened, you know? at least for a second i liked it. and for me, i guess, thats worth it.

theres too much hate in the world, but not too much cookies

now that i've slept away most of my jet lag, showered away my layer of recycled air, and hopefully avoided strep or menangitus or whatever my crazy spitting kitler friend has, i guess its time to reflect.

in one of my favorite books, the perks of being a wallflower, charlie describes the first time he felt infinite. the first time nothing in the world mattered except where he was at that exact moment. though this trip wasn't the escape from reality that i was subconciously looking for, it did have its share of infinity.

i guess what ive learned this trip is that things balance out. that whole "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" business? i couldnt tell you how it relates to science, but i could tell you that its so true in real life. what goes wrong with eventually be solved, and whats solved will eventually unwind. maybe not back to how it was, but maybe thats the point? i dont know. i feel like i've collected all of these snipits of almost useful information and realizations and havent found a way to format them into something helpful or productive.

maybe lifes just a big game of would you rather.