an awesome book.

the semester comes to a close and my life continuously gets more and less complicated depending on the day and hour and minute.
i glanced through my two favorite books that tomorrow i'll recommend to yet another friend. i hope that she wont mind the dog-earred pages and underlined and circled perfect articulations of love and confusion and life. but really, if she hadnt so beautifully and willingly put up with the dog-earred pages and underlined and circled parts of my real life, she wouldnt have asked to borrow it in the first place.
in the past week or so, i've been lucky enough to be reminded several times why my life is pretty damn ok. i've been reminded just as many times why it could suck, but for now, for at least the past 24 hours and the next 12 or so, i've chosen to ignore that part. ive been stuck in an undefined emotion that i lazily refer to as restlessness. but really, its not restlessness. because i am happy. and there have been some really amazing people lately who in big ways and small have reminded me why.
a friend who has no business knowing me this well after not really being friends for the last year or so has returned to my life with some inspiration. i dont want to dream of furniture, of buying a new hat, or of owning matching silverware.

i may be a few days late, but here's my list.

thanks for:

-the purple paint on my walls
-a signed lease with two amazing girls
-being almost, finally finally out of words
-friends who miss me as much as i miss them
-spring '10 with a very dear, albeit cynical, friend
-having two incredible options for this summer
-the successful, almost jacobs-status banana pudding i made
-my new sweatshirt, i.e. the most comfortable thing ive ever worn
-siblings who make me laugh so hard that we make a scene in public places
-people who call at the exact right moment
-the tricked out sound system in josh dinner's car
-reunions
-good books
-"falling in love for a second"
-a school i enjoy

this is what it feels like in fall, and also how to say it better than i can:

by derek c. brown:

Aren’t you sick of being appraised wholesale?
Aren’t you sick of sailing on listing ships?
Aren’t you weary from playing cellos with ex-lover’s bones?
I want the butterfly brigade to grant me a year with no stomach problems.
I want to affix the word un-blame in the dictionary
so I can screw up your spell check
and so I can call him without shaking.
I want a piano that will not warp outdoors
when the rain demands slow dancing.
I want to know how to sashay on a Saturday
with a mouth full of sa-tay… with Latter day Saints.
I want to skew the difference between Tai Chi and Chai tea, and end up drinking a tall glass of graceful force.
I want to lick my hands after I touch someone that has just become
razzle dazzled.
I want birds to come close enough to hear them speak Aviation Spanish.
I want your record collection in my throat,
and my thumb in the electric ass of the all night jukebox.
I want my shoulder blades mounted in the museum of knives.
I want church in a bar. I want to pass out and hear you say Amen.
I want a skeleton night light in the closet.
I want your wow in my now so we become NWOW.
I want the light in your attic to shine down to where the sidewalk ends.
I want free shit to not cost anything.
I want you to feel like a disco ball of fish hooks
so you can hang on my words and I can spin in your small miracles of light.
I want my kitchen to be a Brazilian dance floor
with a pot of your sweat in the oven
and a fridge stocked with butt lust.
I want new sheets.
I want your silver muscles cut into a quilt. Let me sleep under your strength.
I want more pony lamps.
I want to sing this into all tail pipes until I’m exhausted.
I want to smell everything.
I want to remember that the sky is so gorgeously large, I feel stranded beneath it.
When I gasp,
I only want to gasp for more

blue is my new favorite color!

i'm in awe.
really.
there isn't much to say that hasn't been said.
the emotions, the impact, the historical value, the puppy that two very lucky girls were promised by their dad.
but also, i was on tv!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/22887 506#27547326

everyone is a burning sun

today, i got pissed.

in my modern middle eastern politics class, my teacher had the chutzpah to present to the class two representations of culture, one from the Zionist perspective and one from the Palestinian.

the zionist: barbra streisand, in all her jewfro-ed glory, singing Hatikivah
the palestinian: a rap song containing the lyrics: "i'm the terrorist? YOU'RE the terrorist"

the juxtaposition of the two artistic representations were naive and ridiculous. to compare a legitimate country's national anthem to a pop song (that, i may add, he was singing along to) just seemed...so odd for a man of his intellect and well-versed knowledge of the subject.

but what i'm also realizing is that I'm THRILLED about how pissed I got. Sure, there are subjects that I can learn without bias. Finite math? I trust good ol' Mihai Chuku to tell me whats up. Comparative lit? I know sweet ms. Ursula Paleczek will watch out for my MLA format. but this is different.

in NFTY i was never the spokesperson. Sure, in the grand scheme of things I believe that i did positive things by holding my positions in the realm of membership and communication. locally, specifically. i mean lets face it, i introduced my region to the beauty that is The Monster Truck Rally. BUT. i was never the spokesperson for israel. i know for a fact that people know more than i do, and i was never really in the position to argue. i more so collected facts and information and perspectives and either dismissed, stored, or adopted them.

but to be so deeply moved by this stupid playing of a youtube clip by a professor...i'm just glad i feel something about it, i guess.

and i sort of wish that i hadn't voted already because i feel like voting for something that i DO have a say in would be the logical action to take after being shaken like this. all i can do is hope that others vote. that others feel the same sense of "i have to get up and DO something." that someone else gets to class next time we meet and asks why the hell he chose those two clips.

ain't it funny how time slips away

i'm reading a book about a man who loses his memory. it isn't about the technical stuff. the how, the why, the chemical connections and vibrations and complications.

what it is about is how his relationship with his wife is affected. he was a full person, with a full past, a full future. and the book so beautifully describes his desperation and overwhelming sense of "do i want to be who i was?"

those of us without the luxury of forgetting must deal with this question the normal way. no eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. days and months and minutes of remembering and realizing and analyzing. wondering who remembers what and if you've made an impact on someone. a kiss, a conversation, an infinite moment.

a few weeks ago, i was home and saw a painting. "You Are Already Whole" it told me, the finger-painted childishness of it almost made me feel pathetic for feeling so moved.

i just wonder: am i?

how long till my soul gets it right

i just burned my tongue on my soup.
and
i wore long sleeves to a party last night.
and
i have invested in tons of chapstick.
and
cough drops.
and
i open my window instead of turning on the air conditioning.

all of these events must mean one thing: fall.
and with fall comes crunching leaves and changing weather and nostaliga and hot chocolate and layered clothing and new music moods and a lack of flip flops and taking a deep breath and meeting new people.

theres this quote that i wrote down and taped to my desk:

"in the depths of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

all i can be is me whoever that is.

as i type this, i'm falling in love with the I'm Not There soundtrack. its the bands I like anyway singing really great bob dylan songs. not all of them are great and some combinations are a little weird. i feel a little like a tool cause i havent actually seen the movie yet, but for now, its quite lovely.
i'm having trouble being a good student here. and its not because i dont try and its not because i go out and party all the time. i feel like theres just this sort of disconnect between how i WANT to be doing in class and how i AM doing. i feel like i've lost my ability to write a good essay, i get frustrated so easily by math, i have to look at my reading assignments without actually reading them. and its not like the material is harder than last year. in fact most of the time its easier. and yet.
i've felt a little bit so far during the first few days of this new year like i've been sleep walking, and im not sure why. i'm not unhappy. i'm not. but i definitely cant figure this one out.
tomorrow my dad is picking me up and we're going to two shows. i love that i can do that. seriously. im in no way homesick, but the fact that i'll be laying on my couch tomorrow finishing up my homework and then going to Evil Dead: The Musical just really sounds pretty magical. can't beat that.

oh america.

http://www.236.com/video/2008/watch_vp_debate_in_a_minute_9334.php

http://www.236.com/video/2008/watch_first_presidential_debat_1_9186.php

keep it together

theres nothing like guster at the end of a good night.

i tried to do headstands for you

tonight is new year's eve.

there may be no dick clark, no times square ball drop, no fireworks. but as i rush from my middle eastern politics class to my McNutt erev rosh hashanah dinner, i'll feel the same thing i've been feeling the past week or so. that something new, something big, is on its way.

the first few weeks of school, i found myself looking at my life here as a distraction. looking for things to get my mind off other things. things far away, things long ago, things i gave up on or that gave up on me. but what i've noticed is that the life i was distracting myself with is slowly becoming the life ive been looking for. sure, it's only been a month, but something about this place feels good.

i've never been one for resolutions. why limit changing your behavior based on the change in calendar year? why not do things right now? why not be a better version of yourself today? but in the spirit of this change in season, i will make a new years wish. and that is that i hope my life here at IU continues to remind me of the new ipod commercial. vibrant, silly, full of energy, and with just a touch of "what the hell is she singing about?"

things that bring me back to full Emily potential

cowboy boots
strawberry powerade zero
getting dressed listening to Buzzin by shwazye
my modern middle eastern politics class
papermate flair pens
my huge tv remote
text messages
a new context for jason mraz songs
nostalgia-inducing pictures
rekindled friendshps
sharp cheddar cheese
First Day Of My Life by bright eyes
aquafresh toothpaste
jonah's "I am barack obama and i approve this message" messages
barack obama
glow-in-the-dark stars

theres too much hate in the world, but not too much cookies

"I like you because
When I tell you something special
You know it's special
And you remember it
A long long time

You say
Remember when you told me
Something special

And both of us remember."

attached to a breathtaking letter, i recieved a book yesterday. i recieved this book from someone who deserves everything good about life, but instead of waiting for it, she spreads that goodness to other people. its amazing, really.

"I like you because
You know when it's time to stop being silly

Maybe day after tomorrow
Maybe never

Oops too late
it's quarter past silly"

this weekend, i was silly. it's one of my favorite emotions, but one i'm terrible at faking when i'm not up for it. last weekend--i was not lighthearted and relaxed. this weekend, something clicked and i was just loopy enough and just goofy enough and just balanced enough to have a really great time.

"And I like you because
When I am feeling sad
You don't always cheer me up right away

Sometimes it is better to be sad
You can't stand the others being so googly and gaggly every single minute
You want to think about things

it takes time."

And meanwhile, I'm sometimes completely overwhelmed by this beautiful friendship i still have with my william miller, all the way across the country. he's in the real world, doing real things, making real impacts. i'm sitting at my desk writing a response for j-hist. in some ways im so jealous and in some ways i'm so scared of that infinite abyss to come. yesterday i was on the phone for two hours with ahillels trying to figure out how to study abroad together next year. sometimes i feel like just so weird and lonely and other times i cant do anything but smile and sigh because i do have truly amazing people in my life.

"I would go on choosing you
And you would go on choosing me
Over and over again."

sometimes i wish things worked out the way i thought they would. sometimes i cant help but think they still might. in the meantime, usually, i think i'm doing pretty ok.

the view from saturday

a few thoughts, but its still morning on a saturday, so i dont have enough energy or motivation to form them into full blog-tastic content.

1. my campers are still writing me letters and emails. how could i NOT want to go back next summer?
2. i read through part of my old journal-y thing yesterday from israel and senior year and i was funny. i also find myself in some eerily similar situations.
3. facebook statuses. stati? just: oy.
4. work started yesterday. although it's not the most glamorous, i dont have to walk far and i learned how to make various starbucks coffee creations. ooo. fancy!
5. my desk is sort of messy, but also very colorful.
6. i miss my sisters and jonah.
7. i dont have season tickets, but i hope that i can sit in the student section at the game today because i actually want to attend a school-sponsored sporting event. plus i have a really cute shirt that has footballs on it.
8. the top bunk isnt too bad.
9. asz is one of the best friends a girl can have.
10. i love that the basement of my building rents out dvds...like season three of entourage. yay!

37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime.

yep. on my first saturday night at IU, party school extraordinare, i am blogging. WOOOO i'm awesome.
anyway, during my last three adventure-filled nights, ive had a lot of fun, so dont you go thinking that i havent had my share of IU life thus far. (who am i kidding, maggie harry is the only one who reads this. i miss you tons and tons and tons, by the way)
but my friend MICHAEL (see. i mentioned you. love you.) raised an interesting question. am i happier lost in a big school than stuck in a small school? this isnt even really a blog-worthy question, because my definite answer is yes.
what is interesting is that i already see myself using my old clark ways as my comfort zone. i see myself wanting to skip stuff to stay in and watch movies and stay laid back. but i also see myself reaching out and branching out, at least a little bit here and there. i know i'm using what clark didnt have to emphasize the good of what IU does. which is exactly why, as miserable as i was, i have no regrets about clark last year.
and the good part is: as i look around at my desk--the glow-in-the-dark stars, the jonah drawings, the hangy jewish star mobile thingy, the HUGE glasses katie and i bought as a joke...the essence of me is here. the outline of who i was and who i'm becoming. i have the chance, in these acres of trees and thousands of people, to make room for a better version of myself.

i guess we'll see.

"ever since i've had the shop, we've been trying to flog a record by a group called the Sid James Experience. Usually, we get rid of the stuff we can't move--reduce it to 10p, or throw it away--but Barry loves this album (he's got two copies of his own, just in case somebody borrows one and fails to return it), and he says it's rare, and that someday we'll make somebody very happy. It's become a bit of a joke, really. Regular customers ask after its health, and give it a friendly pat when they're browsing, and sometimes they bring the sleeve up to the counter as if they're going to buy it, and then say 'Just Kidding!' and put it back where they found it.
Anyway, on Friday morning, this guy I've never seen before starts flicking through the 'British Pop S-Z section,' lets out a gasp of amazement and rushes up to the counter, clutching the sleeve to his chest as if he's afraid someone will snatch it from him. And then he gets out his wallet and pays for it, seven quid, just like that, no attempt to haggle, no recognition of the significance of what he is doing. I let Barry serve him--it's his moment--and Dick and I watch every move, holding our breath; it's like someone has walked in, tipped petrol over himself, and produced a box of matches from his pocket. We don't exhale until he's struck the match and set himself alight, and when he's gone we laugh and laugh and laugh. It gives up all strength: if someone can just walk in and buy the Sid James Experience album, then surely anything good can happen at any time."

...i know that i'm naive...

and then there are moments like this where im scared and nervous and not ready in the slightest to be ok with things.

i am 16, going on 17...

according to the old 97's, nineteen is not the age of reason.

i would agree with them. i dont feel exceptionally wise or powerful or insightful today. nineteen doesnt reward you with a drivers license or an R-rated movie or a lottery ticket or a cocktail.

but i'm ok with that. im at a stage in my life where im not really looking for epic. well thats a lie. i'm always looking for epic. i'm always up for something infinite. but the up and down of this year should have driven me absolutely insane. it almost did. maybe with all the windiness, i'm ready for a little smooth sailing. (see, theres STILL so much magnificence!)

but let me tell you. i LOVED 18. i think i wore it well. i laughed, i cried, i fell in love, i fell out of touch, i met new people, i made friends, i made enemies, i made a mess, i made an impact.

but i think i'm ready for a new year. to start fresh. not start over, because i think that everything that you do today is impacted by the things you did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. but. everyone deserves a chance to take a deep breath and re-articulate and re-adjust, and i think i'm ready for that chance.

the waves are coming in

since the literally jaw-dropping john butler Ocean performance, i think my glasses have been tinted a little rosier.(although while i'm on the topic of the concert, i was a little disappointed that g.love didnt play 'the fishing song' and instead started with 'cant go back to jersey.' my life is hilarious and ironic yet again.)

as i stood there in awe, looking back at the bro-infested posse of concert goers to make eye contact with a friend, i was just so...ok. someone amazing was doing something amazing and loving his job. and now that i'm thinking about it, it is john butler's job to sit at his 12 string (11, actually, as i learned last night) and rock the fuck out of it. i actually almost cried.

anyway.

i spent all summer singing the heartwarming and ridiculous "there is so much magnificence...", i feel silly making the ocean/water/everything in life is so huge references. but really, sometimes it just feels big. and while i was on the IU campus today, i started to realize that i'm ok feeling a little bit overwhelmed. its the one emotion i didnt feel while at clark. not once did i look around and think "wow i am WAY too small for this pond." and i wasnt too big for it either--i mean i in no was was the smartest or coolest or prettiest person at clark. but to know that at IU i'm going to have to prove my self. well.

for today at least, i'm up for the challenge.

bubbles.

the last night of first session at jacobs, i had a chance to talk to each of the ten girls in my cabin. one on one, we just took several moments (or just a few, depending on the relative sleepiness-to-crankiness ratio) to debrief.
i went through the first few, the ones i didnt quite connect with. we talked, we laughed, they loved camp.

but then.
hannah orgel whispered in my ear "i have bubbles."
we went to the porch.
we sat in silence as we each reached for those wands that always end up way more sticky and soapy than you wish they did. we didnt talk. we just blew bubbles. looked at the lake and blew bubbles.
and in that moment, i swear i was infinite.

sitting on a porch in utica mississippi with a nine year old at midnight was not necessarily the game plan for the summer.
in fact, a lot of this summer didnt fit into the game plan.
but i guess sometimes theres only a game plan so that it can end up being the opposite of what you expect. maybe there are rules just so you can break them. maybe there are terrible moments just so you can enjoy the incredible ones. maybe i'm just trying to make up for my disappointment with cliches and vague, forced understanding.

i'd like to think it's more than that, though. i'd like to believe in the good in people. i'd like to believe that somewhere in everyone, there's a nine year old who just wants to blow bubbles with her camp counselor.

spinning all around this summer

i was in the car with the j-master and he informed me that he didnt want to get older. that he wanted to stay little forever.
i thought that was a little goofy, considering the little man is six years old, but i guess it also makes sense. he's aware enough to know that being a big kid is kinda rough sometimes. things dont work out the way you want them too, and you cant always grow up to be a big, blue dinosaur who lives in an airplane (his dream job when he was 3, no jokes.)
today was a rollercoaster, and i have yet to recieve the sigh-of-relief phone call to let me know the ride is coming to a safe and secure stop.
its strange when the one person you want to tell everything to is the one person not telling you anything.

after a night of chick flicks on TBS...

i dont really have much to say.
and i really feel so utterly lame writing on my first commitment-free friday night of the summer. but.
theres still no motivation.
i feel ridiculous and uncool and, not that i was ever more cool than i am now (which isnt that cool), thats never been something ive truly struggled with before.
i used to be confident in my quirkiness, and ok when i spent a few nights just hanging out at home.
i used to make people laugh.

and i guess maybe i do and maybe its just that its 1:30 and i'm being melodramatic, but im not in full E-M-I-L-Y mode, and i feel like i havent been for a while.

this funk has lasted too long.

i keep on counting on my adventures to pull me through it, but maybe this one, this summer full of fun and craziness and his cabin full of boys having crushes on my cabin full of girls is the one i've been waiting for.

it ended with a chair.

in this strange, ridiculous world that we live in, there isnt much thats certain.
all i know is that occasionally, all you need is an english muffin and a great friend.

...in ohio, california, or wherever...

I just got two pink Mentos in a row. If that’s not good luck and good karma, I don’t know what is. Whoa. Third pink Mento in a row. Is Mentos singular or is Mento grammatically correct? Anyway. I’m listening to one of my favorite songs on a mix I made for one of my favorite people, and the sun is rising.
This weekend is a stretch for me. It’s a practice in (FOUR PINK MENTOS!?) character. I am fully prepared to take it on, to prove that I am able to bounce back from a mistake. Despite my minor panic attack last night, I believe that I’m at my most able and willing to take this challenge on.
The boy thinks I have Corey Matthews Syndrome, where I need to be liked by everyone. I’d like to think I’m not suffering from this disease, but knowing that I have the opportunity to begin to make things better does give me a sense of redemption and enlightenment. There’s a part of me that thinks that I have a snowball’s chance in hell of actually righting my wrongs, but all I can do is try, right?
Then there’s school stuff. In on week, I will no longer be a student at Clark University. If I told myself when I applied that I would be saying that before three years from now, I’d be absolutely flabbergasted (yep, flabbergasted).
I applied early to a school I thought I adored. I invested myself in an institution that I thought I loved. But the thing is, I’m in no way bitter. I truly believe that had I started my college journey at IU (or anywhere else, for that matter), I would have been devastatingly unhappy. Those who know me well can argue that I’ve been struggling with that here anyway. I really, though, think that this all goes back to good old rule number 8. I’m nervous and scared and unsure and thrilled.
I couldn’t have asked for a better Elliot Reid to my JD this year, but the idea of being able to have lunch with a different person every day for a month if I wanted to is so nice. Seriously I cannot say enough for having “a person.” I don’t even watch Grey’s Anatomy, but I still understand the importance of one. But to be at a place where I can either re-connect with old friends or make completely new ones. I just feel…free. And with freedom comes absolutely stunning terror, but also fresh air. I’m ready to take a deep breath.
This is probably my last post from Clark, which is kind of odd considering it’s 5:41 AM and I’m sitting in terminal A of Logan International Airport (which, by the way, is completely lacking in anything remotely close to Kosher for Passover. I had Mentos and a Diet Coke. Don’t tell the big guy.) Over the course of the last 15 minutes of me writing this, the sun has come up.
The last time I truly remember sitting at watching the sunrise was on Yam L’Yam. Come to think of it, it was probably the only memorable-in-a-good-way part of Yam L’Yam. Sometimes the big things just get to me. I’m overwhelmed by being so freaking small and suddenly the huge aforementioned problems I was having seem miniscule. I feel silly for even being worried. I look around at the beer-bellied polo shirt wearer and the business man with a look of concern and the girls’-weekend-outers to my left. I wonder what they’re nervous about. The world is really big. The cycle continues.

sometimes i'm ok with mondays

Internet-less last weekend, i found myself rummaging through old files on my computer. i wasnt really sure what i was looking for, but i came across this. part of me is upset because i feel like ive let the girl who wrote the following passage down, and part of me is optimistic that i know she's still in here. either way, i dont think we ever ended up putting senior shout outs in the paper (what this was supposed to be written for, i think), so id at least like it to be out in the universe in this context.


Its raining a little bit. Not the kind of panicky, desperate, sudden rain. The rain that sneaks up on you. Suddenly you hear the drops dance, they bounce, they land. This rain is ending a perfect day. Not perfect in the traditional sense. I woke up at 6:23. I pretended to brush my hair and, in the three minutes I had left before leaving for the car, scarfed down a bowl of Honey-Nut Cheerios. I went to my five classes. Not the your average vision of true bliss here. But. Something about today.
Its one of those days I’m not sure whether ten years from now I’ll remember or forget. It wasn’t epic. It wasn’t big. It just was. It’s days like this that, whether I remember them specifically or not, I’ll miss. I’ll miss meeting my friends at Steak and Shake. Friends I haven’t seen for a year. Friends I haven‘t seen since eight o‘clock this morning. Making each other laugh. Real, important conversations disguised as silly ones. I’ll miss whatever it was that I felt today when I finalized a design for one of the senior mag pages. I’ll miss the “hey whats up?” in the hallway, the communal longing to just be outside instead of in class.
These are feelings I know I’ll take advantage of in college. I know that I’ll walk around on campus, iPod on, head in the clouds. I’ll wave and greet and hug without making an effort. I’ll do the crossword puzzle, leave the room without a pass, and go to my dorm room without seeking permission. I recognize that at some point in the near future I’ll possibly forget all of this experience and knowledge I’ve gained about the angst-ridden teenage life. My hope is that I don’t.
Im sure by now you’re reading and waiting for a culmination that either incorporates the metaphorical, aforementioned rain or serves as a thank you for everyone and everything that has happened to me during the last four years.
I’m leaving you with neither. My only request during the next one, two, or three years that you have left in high school is to carpe diem, seize the day. Whether for you that means going to the football games, taking an extra AP, or trying out for a play.
As a general philosophy, I try not to regret my decisions or lack thereof. I think that I’m fairly successful. I wish that same success for you.

singing, screaming, kissing, tugging.

i just deleted about a paragraph and a half of bad and negative and sad thoughts. but now that i deleted it, it no longer exists. and i think that my real self should follow my blog self and do that in the real world to. so. goodbye bad things. goodbye monsters under my bed and uncomfortable situations and mean thoughts. im done with you. you are bad for my complexion. i will let myself be sad sometimes, but i promise i will try to focus on the happy and silly and wonderful.

for instance, in 26 days, i will be playing speed scrabble with the coolest kid in the universe. and also, the boy that i have a crush on flew three hours this weekend to hold my hand at a concert and eat chinese food on my dorm room floor. and also, i think that the guy was just being rude to me at the coffee shop today because he was trying to flirt with me. and also, tonight the wrap that i get every time we go to the caf tasted a little bit yummier. and also, i got accepted to IU today. and also, i am going to wear sundresses all weekend in georgia. and also, i am smiling.

stumbling upon happiness

so.
its one of those days. those good days that pave the way for good things.

today, i got the call i was hoping for, with the news i was waiting for, and i really feel as though this is right. i feel relieved and surprised and content.

i get to see one of my favorites tonight. the boy who makes me feel like me. who laughs with me at blogs and the OC and Cool Ideas, even though we really just like spending the time together.

yesterday i downloaded stumbleupon.com. its my newest obsession and the reason why i've spent four of the last 24 hours in front of my computer.

the website led me to this: http://www.sleeptrip.com/300loveletters/2.html
its like postsecret but consistantly happy and hopeful and beautiful.

its just...its just good. things right now are good. april has always been better for me than march and this year is no different so far. lets see what happens.

six forty-three p.m.

three strange things happened to me in the last thirty seconds. all in their own quirky ways, maybe they were trying to signify something important.

the first: i, for the first time in my eight year pogo.com career, popped every single poppit balloon in the game. they awarded me 750 points and a whole lot of dignity.

the second: an old friend, one that met me as i acting talent-less-ly entered the theater at the beginning of sophomore year with a big freaking smile on my face, imed me. we havent talked in a really long time and my life has changed so much since then i dont even know where to start. im intrigued by the challenge.

the third: my sister just texted me with the information that in two weeks and two days, she'll be a teenager. this queen of her middle school will be thirteen.

maybe they dont actually connect or mean anything, but im having the kind of day where id like to think that maybe they do.

for kelly, cause she wanted a new one.

it seems as though every time for the last month or so that i've tried to update this, theres something getting in my way. a change in opinion, an alternative perspective, a reason why not. something.
and what im starting to realize is that theres been very little consistancy in my March in general, not just in blogworld.
cancelled flight, cancelled plans, cancelled friendships.
but maybe it doesnt have to be that way. i mean, maybe all that stuff is just on hold. maybe its just that the original plan wasnt quite right.
maybe its that i need to grasp onto the stuff that i do have the ability to control and focus on it. maybe i need to embrace the beauty of three people sitting on a bed, laughing hysterically, for the first time together in over a year, instead of focusing on the time thats passed. maybe i need to appreciate the real-life face time i'm getting with people i enjoy, instead of the fact that my computer still isnt working. maybe i need to put in perspective how great it is to know that sometimes he does let me in past that brick wall, instead of realizing just how long these 7 weeks are going to feel. maybe i need to trust the strength that my fellow barefoot islander sees in me, instead of my inability to see that strength within myself.
maybe i should take a deep breath.

as per usual, there isnt much enlightenment going on over in the snow-soaked territory of worcester. however, i'll stand my ground and once again profess that i generally believe that one of the greatest emotions out there is anticipation. the unknown. the speculation. the tightness right underneath and between your rib cage. it really is quite wonderful.
though before i can anticipate the good, i must get through two midterms and an essay; only one of the three is over a subject that i actually remotely understand. and thus, a blog post.
im writing an essay about nietzsche's perspective of the hero. and really. i dont give a fuck. i mean i know he's this intense and well-acclaimed philosophical writer. but. he was out of his freaking mind. really. the man thought he was socrates.
a boy once said to me, as i called him to interrupt his homework, "no, its ok, i want to talk. nietzsche died 100 years ago, with you, i gotta seize the next hundred." I have this bad habit of relating songs to situations, outfits to outings, quotes to contexts. so of course every time we discuss nietzsche, i go back to this one particular moment sophomore year when this boy said this thing that he probably doesnt even remember saying.
my point is that, when i let my carpe diem-y side shine, i totally agree with him. and not just in the context of that one conversation, because i have no idea what we talked about, but in life. i think its why i like the feeling of anticipation so much. regardless of what's happened in the past, or even how awful of a mood i'm in now, theres always at least something good to look forward to.

a list

the stuff on my mind today:

1. there is a house across the street from my third floor window. if it was in a dark alley, it would be the boo radley of the neighborhood, but instead it sits on a street corner with a bench in front and a capture the flag-acceptable backyard. nothing is really that out of the ordinary, except that a new set of characters comes in and out every day. no one looks familiar. different cars park in front. it's just really strange.

2. tuesday begins another adventure, which im thrilled about, but its going to be so weird going back there on thursday.

3. what should i wear tonight?

over the rainbow

for the first time in five days, I can see my floor. Not that i've minded my mis-matched group of visitors, but for the next week or so I plan on taking a deep breath. i'll let my thoughts simmer and hopefully they'll turn into something productive.
lately ive been thinking a lot about evolution. not science-y darwin stuff, as anyone who reads this thing has probably spent at least an hour or seven of their lives hearing me complain about my physics class, so naturally the evolution to which i refer is NOT science oriented.
i have, however, been thinking about change. and what causes it. and what happens because of it. how some guy who thought i was cute in my red dress a year ago is now the first name i look for when i sign online. how someone who simply shared my passion (yes, passion) for jim and regina is the person i still hang out with every day. how the boy responsible for changing the course of my israel experience was recently admitted into the school that i loved. how the school that i loved is no longer where i want to be.
its just so strange.
this time next week? im off on another adventure with people who make me laugh. people who make me question myself. maybe my collection of almost-thoughts will turn into something motivating. maybe there i'll find an outlet for this bundled up on-the-verge-of-greatness gut feeling that i cant make go away.

everything and nothing

this actually happens to me a lot.
i get worked up and so frustrated and annoyed about a class and the requirements and the teacher and then suddenly it makes sense.
the first time this happened to me in a significant way was during my sophomore year chemistry class. nothing made sense and i hated everything about the subject and then...magically...i understood chemistry for an entire week. it was a glorious week. since that moment over three years ago, i've wanted to strangle mr. heaston for giving me that glimmer of hope, but still. it happened. i understood.
anyway. im sitting on my bed, reading Irrational Man: A Study in Existential Philosophy by William Barrett, hating the fact that I have twenty pages to go. but then:
"when, by chance or fate, we fall into an extreme situation--one, that is, on the far side of what is normal, routine, accepted, traditional, safeguarded--we are threatened by the void. the soildity of the so-called real world evaporates under the pressure of our situation."
its like he's mocking me for being frustrated with the material. for being nervous about doing well in the class. for not getting it.

this whole situation (as in enjoying a single paragraph out of a 60 page assignment) isnt going to change my whole philosophy on life or even probably change my entire outlook on the class, but at least this happened, you know? at least for a second i liked it. and for me, i guess, thats worth it.

theres too much hate in the world, but not too much cookies

now that i've slept away most of my jet lag, showered away my layer of recycled air, and hopefully avoided strep or menangitus or whatever my crazy spitting kitler friend has, i guess its time to reflect.

in one of my favorite books, the perks of being a wallflower, charlie describes the first time he felt infinite. the first time nothing in the world mattered except where he was at that exact moment. though this trip wasn't the escape from reality that i was subconciously looking for, it did have its share of infinity.

i guess what ive learned this trip is that things balance out. that whole "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" business? i couldnt tell you how it relates to science, but i could tell you that its so true in real life. what goes wrong with eventually be solved, and whats solved will eventually unwind. maybe not back to how it was, but maybe thats the point? i dont know. i feel like i've collected all of these snipits of almost useful information and realizations and havent found a way to format them into something helpful or productive.

maybe lifes just a big game of would you rather.