37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime.

yep. on my first saturday night at IU, party school extraordinare, i am blogging. WOOOO i'm awesome.
anyway, during my last three adventure-filled nights, ive had a lot of fun, so dont you go thinking that i havent had my share of IU life thus far. (who am i kidding, maggie harry is the only one who reads this. i miss you tons and tons and tons, by the way)
but my friend MICHAEL (see. i mentioned you. love you.) raised an interesting question. am i happier lost in a big school than stuck in a small school? this isnt even really a blog-worthy question, because my definite answer is yes.
what is interesting is that i already see myself using my old clark ways as my comfort zone. i see myself wanting to skip stuff to stay in and watch movies and stay laid back. but i also see myself reaching out and branching out, at least a little bit here and there. i know i'm using what clark didnt have to emphasize the good of what IU does. which is exactly why, as miserable as i was, i have no regrets about clark last year.
and the good part is: as i look around at my desk--the glow-in-the-dark stars, the jonah drawings, the hangy jewish star mobile thingy, the HUGE glasses katie and i bought as a joke...the essence of me is here. the outline of who i was and who i'm becoming. i have the chance, in these acres of trees and thousands of people, to make room for a better version of myself.

i guess we'll see.

"ever since i've had the shop, we've been trying to flog a record by a group called the Sid James Experience. Usually, we get rid of the stuff we can't move--reduce it to 10p, or throw it away--but Barry loves this album (he's got two copies of his own, just in case somebody borrows one and fails to return it), and he says it's rare, and that someday we'll make somebody very happy. It's become a bit of a joke, really. Regular customers ask after its health, and give it a friendly pat when they're browsing, and sometimes they bring the sleeve up to the counter as if they're going to buy it, and then say 'Just Kidding!' and put it back where they found it.
Anyway, on Friday morning, this guy I've never seen before starts flicking through the 'British Pop S-Z section,' lets out a gasp of amazement and rushes up to the counter, clutching the sleeve to his chest as if he's afraid someone will snatch it from him. And then he gets out his wallet and pays for it, seven quid, just like that, no attempt to haggle, no recognition of the significance of what he is doing. I let Barry serve him--it's his moment--and Dick and I watch every move, holding our breath; it's like someone has walked in, tipped petrol over himself, and produced a box of matches from his pocket. We don't exhale until he's struck the match and set himself alight, and when he's gone we laugh and laugh and laugh. It gives up all strength: if someone can just walk in and buy the Sid James Experience album, then surely anything good can happen at any time."

...i know that i'm naive...

and then there are moments like this where im scared and nervous and not ready in the slightest to be ok with things.

i am 16, going on 17...

according to the old 97's, nineteen is not the age of reason.

i would agree with them. i dont feel exceptionally wise or powerful or insightful today. nineteen doesnt reward you with a drivers license or an R-rated movie or a lottery ticket or a cocktail.

but i'm ok with that. im at a stage in my life where im not really looking for epic. well thats a lie. i'm always looking for epic. i'm always up for something infinite. but the up and down of this year should have driven me absolutely insane. it almost did. maybe with all the windiness, i'm ready for a little smooth sailing. (see, theres STILL so much magnificence!)

but let me tell you. i LOVED 18. i think i wore it well. i laughed, i cried, i fell in love, i fell out of touch, i met new people, i made friends, i made enemies, i made a mess, i made an impact.

but i think i'm ready for a new year. to start fresh. not start over, because i think that everything that you do today is impacted by the things you did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. but. everyone deserves a chance to take a deep breath and re-articulate and re-adjust, and i think i'm ready for that chance.

the waves are coming in

since the literally jaw-dropping john butler Ocean performance, i think my glasses have been tinted a little rosier.(although while i'm on the topic of the concert, i was a little disappointed that g.love didnt play 'the fishing song' and instead started with 'cant go back to jersey.' my life is hilarious and ironic yet again.)

as i stood there in awe, looking back at the bro-infested posse of concert goers to make eye contact with a friend, i was just so...ok. someone amazing was doing something amazing and loving his job. and now that i'm thinking about it, it is john butler's job to sit at his 12 string (11, actually, as i learned last night) and rock the fuck out of it. i actually almost cried.

anyway.

i spent all summer singing the heartwarming and ridiculous "there is so much magnificence...", i feel silly making the ocean/water/everything in life is so huge references. but really, sometimes it just feels big. and while i was on the IU campus today, i started to realize that i'm ok feeling a little bit overwhelmed. its the one emotion i didnt feel while at clark. not once did i look around and think "wow i am WAY too small for this pond." and i wasnt too big for it either--i mean i in no was was the smartest or coolest or prettiest person at clark. but to know that at IU i'm going to have to prove my self. well.

for today at least, i'm up for the challenge.

bubbles.

the last night of first session at jacobs, i had a chance to talk to each of the ten girls in my cabin. one on one, we just took several moments (or just a few, depending on the relative sleepiness-to-crankiness ratio) to debrief.
i went through the first few, the ones i didnt quite connect with. we talked, we laughed, they loved camp.

but then.
hannah orgel whispered in my ear "i have bubbles."
we went to the porch.
we sat in silence as we each reached for those wands that always end up way more sticky and soapy than you wish they did. we didnt talk. we just blew bubbles. looked at the lake and blew bubbles.
and in that moment, i swear i was infinite.

sitting on a porch in utica mississippi with a nine year old at midnight was not necessarily the game plan for the summer.
in fact, a lot of this summer didnt fit into the game plan.
but i guess sometimes theres only a game plan so that it can end up being the opposite of what you expect. maybe there are rules just so you can break them. maybe there are terrible moments just so you can enjoy the incredible ones. maybe i'm just trying to make up for my disappointment with cliches and vague, forced understanding.

i'd like to think it's more than that, though. i'd like to believe in the good in people. i'd like to believe that somewhere in everyone, there's a nine year old who just wants to blow bubbles with her camp counselor.