how long till my soul gets it right

i just burned my tongue on my soup.
and
i wore long sleeves to a party last night.
and
i have invested in tons of chapstick.
and
cough drops.
and
i open my window instead of turning on the air conditioning.

all of these events must mean one thing: fall.
and with fall comes crunching leaves and changing weather and nostaliga and hot chocolate and layered clothing and new music moods and a lack of flip flops and taking a deep breath and meeting new people.

theres this quote that i wrote down and taped to my desk:

"in the depths of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

all i can be is me whoever that is.

as i type this, i'm falling in love with the I'm Not There soundtrack. its the bands I like anyway singing really great bob dylan songs. not all of them are great and some combinations are a little weird. i feel a little like a tool cause i havent actually seen the movie yet, but for now, its quite lovely.
i'm having trouble being a good student here. and its not because i dont try and its not because i go out and party all the time. i feel like theres just this sort of disconnect between how i WANT to be doing in class and how i AM doing. i feel like i've lost my ability to write a good essay, i get frustrated so easily by math, i have to look at my reading assignments without actually reading them. and its not like the material is harder than last year. in fact most of the time its easier. and yet.
i've felt a little bit so far during the first few days of this new year like i've been sleep walking, and im not sure why. i'm not unhappy. i'm not. but i definitely cant figure this one out.
tomorrow my dad is picking me up and we're going to two shows. i love that i can do that. seriously. im in no way homesick, but the fact that i'll be laying on my couch tomorrow finishing up my homework and then going to Evil Dead: The Musical just really sounds pretty magical. can't beat that.

oh america.

http://www.236.com/video/2008/watch_vp_debate_in_a_minute_9334.php

http://www.236.com/video/2008/watch_first_presidential_debat_1_9186.php

keep it together

theres nothing like guster at the end of a good night.

i tried to do headstands for you

tonight is new year's eve.

there may be no dick clark, no times square ball drop, no fireworks. but as i rush from my middle eastern politics class to my McNutt erev rosh hashanah dinner, i'll feel the same thing i've been feeling the past week or so. that something new, something big, is on its way.

the first few weeks of school, i found myself looking at my life here as a distraction. looking for things to get my mind off other things. things far away, things long ago, things i gave up on or that gave up on me. but what i've noticed is that the life i was distracting myself with is slowly becoming the life ive been looking for. sure, it's only been a month, but something about this place feels good.

i've never been one for resolutions. why limit changing your behavior based on the change in calendar year? why not do things right now? why not be a better version of yourself today? but in the spirit of this change in season, i will make a new years wish. and that is that i hope my life here at IU continues to remind me of the new ipod commercial. vibrant, silly, full of energy, and with just a touch of "what the hell is she singing about?"

things that bring me back to full Emily potential

cowboy boots
strawberry powerade zero
getting dressed listening to Buzzin by shwazye
my modern middle eastern politics class
papermate flair pens
my huge tv remote
text messages
a new context for jason mraz songs
nostalgia-inducing pictures
rekindled friendshps
sharp cheddar cheese
First Day Of My Life by bright eyes
aquafresh toothpaste
jonah's "I am barack obama and i approve this message" messages
barack obama
glow-in-the-dark stars

theres too much hate in the world, but not too much cookies

"I like you because
When I tell you something special
You know it's special
And you remember it
A long long time

You say
Remember when you told me
Something special

And both of us remember."

attached to a breathtaking letter, i recieved a book yesterday. i recieved this book from someone who deserves everything good about life, but instead of waiting for it, she spreads that goodness to other people. its amazing, really.

"I like you because
You know when it's time to stop being silly

Maybe day after tomorrow
Maybe never

Oops too late
it's quarter past silly"

this weekend, i was silly. it's one of my favorite emotions, but one i'm terrible at faking when i'm not up for it. last weekend--i was not lighthearted and relaxed. this weekend, something clicked and i was just loopy enough and just goofy enough and just balanced enough to have a really great time.

"And I like you because
When I am feeling sad
You don't always cheer me up right away

Sometimes it is better to be sad
You can't stand the others being so googly and gaggly every single minute
You want to think about things

it takes time."

And meanwhile, I'm sometimes completely overwhelmed by this beautiful friendship i still have with my william miller, all the way across the country. he's in the real world, doing real things, making real impacts. i'm sitting at my desk writing a response for j-hist. in some ways im so jealous and in some ways i'm so scared of that infinite abyss to come. yesterday i was on the phone for two hours with ahillels trying to figure out how to study abroad together next year. sometimes i feel like just so weird and lonely and other times i cant do anything but smile and sigh because i do have truly amazing people in my life.

"I would go on choosing you
And you would go on choosing me
Over and over again."

sometimes i wish things worked out the way i thought they would. sometimes i cant help but think they still might. in the meantime, usually, i think i'm doing pretty ok.