for kelly, cause she wanted a new one.

it seems as though every time for the last month or so that i've tried to update this, theres something getting in my way. a change in opinion, an alternative perspective, a reason why not. something.
and what im starting to realize is that theres been very little consistancy in my March in general, not just in blogworld.
cancelled flight, cancelled plans, cancelled friendships.
but maybe it doesnt have to be that way. i mean, maybe all that stuff is just on hold. maybe its just that the original plan wasnt quite right.
maybe its that i need to grasp onto the stuff that i do have the ability to control and focus on it. maybe i need to embrace the beauty of three people sitting on a bed, laughing hysterically, for the first time together in over a year, instead of focusing on the time thats passed. maybe i need to appreciate the real-life face time i'm getting with people i enjoy, instead of the fact that my computer still isnt working. maybe i need to put in perspective how great it is to know that sometimes he does let me in past that brick wall, instead of realizing just how long these 7 weeks are going to feel. maybe i need to trust the strength that my fellow barefoot islander sees in me, instead of my inability to see that strength within myself.
maybe i should take a deep breath.

as per usual, there isnt much enlightenment going on over in the snow-soaked territory of worcester. however, i'll stand my ground and once again profess that i generally believe that one of the greatest emotions out there is anticipation. the unknown. the speculation. the tightness right underneath and between your rib cage. it really is quite wonderful.
though before i can anticipate the good, i must get through two midterms and an essay; only one of the three is over a subject that i actually remotely understand. and thus, a blog post.
im writing an essay about nietzsche's perspective of the hero. and really. i dont give a fuck. i mean i know he's this intense and well-acclaimed philosophical writer. but. he was out of his freaking mind. really. the man thought he was socrates.
a boy once said to me, as i called him to interrupt his homework, "no, its ok, i want to talk. nietzsche died 100 years ago, with you, i gotta seize the next hundred." I have this bad habit of relating songs to situations, outfits to outings, quotes to contexts. so of course every time we discuss nietzsche, i go back to this one particular moment sophomore year when this boy said this thing that he probably doesnt even remember saying.
my point is that, when i let my carpe diem-y side shine, i totally agree with him. and not just in the context of that one conversation, because i have no idea what we talked about, but in life. i think its why i like the feeling of anticipation so much. regardless of what's happened in the past, or even how awful of a mood i'm in now, theres always at least something good to look forward to.

a list

the stuff on my mind today:

1. there is a house across the street from my third floor window. if it was in a dark alley, it would be the boo radley of the neighborhood, but instead it sits on a street corner with a bench in front and a capture the flag-acceptable backyard. nothing is really that out of the ordinary, except that a new set of characters comes in and out every day. no one looks familiar. different cars park in front. it's just really strange.

2. tuesday begins another adventure, which im thrilled about, but its going to be so weird going back there on thursday.

3. what should i wear tonight?

over the rainbow

for the first time in five days, I can see my floor. Not that i've minded my mis-matched group of visitors, but for the next week or so I plan on taking a deep breath. i'll let my thoughts simmer and hopefully they'll turn into something productive.
lately ive been thinking a lot about evolution. not science-y darwin stuff, as anyone who reads this thing has probably spent at least an hour or seven of their lives hearing me complain about my physics class, so naturally the evolution to which i refer is NOT science oriented.
i have, however, been thinking about change. and what causes it. and what happens because of it. how some guy who thought i was cute in my red dress a year ago is now the first name i look for when i sign online. how someone who simply shared my passion (yes, passion) for jim and regina is the person i still hang out with every day. how the boy responsible for changing the course of my israel experience was recently admitted into the school that i loved. how the school that i loved is no longer where i want to be.
its just so strange.
this time next week? im off on another adventure with people who make me laugh. people who make me question myself. maybe my collection of almost-thoughts will turn into something motivating. maybe there i'll find an outlet for this bundled up on-the-verge-of-greatness gut feeling that i cant make go away.

everything and nothing

this actually happens to me a lot.
i get worked up and so frustrated and annoyed about a class and the requirements and the teacher and then suddenly it makes sense.
the first time this happened to me in a significant way was during my sophomore year chemistry class. nothing made sense and i hated everything about the subject and then...magically...i understood chemistry for an entire week. it was a glorious week. since that moment over three years ago, i've wanted to strangle mr. heaston for giving me that glimmer of hope, but still. it happened. i understood.
anyway. im sitting on my bed, reading Irrational Man: A Study in Existential Philosophy by William Barrett, hating the fact that I have twenty pages to go. but then:
"when, by chance or fate, we fall into an extreme situation--one, that is, on the far side of what is normal, routine, accepted, traditional, safeguarded--we are threatened by the void. the soildity of the so-called real world evaporates under the pressure of our situation."
its like he's mocking me for being frustrated with the material. for being nervous about doing well in the class. for not getting it.

this whole situation (as in enjoying a single paragraph out of a 60 page assignment) isnt going to change my whole philosophy on life or even probably change my entire outlook on the class, but at least this happened, you know? at least for a second i liked it. and for me, i guess, thats worth it.

theres too much hate in the world, but not too much cookies

now that i've slept away most of my jet lag, showered away my layer of recycled air, and hopefully avoided strep or menangitus or whatever my crazy spitting kitler friend has, i guess its time to reflect.

in one of my favorite books, the perks of being a wallflower, charlie describes the first time he felt infinite. the first time nothing in the world mattered except where he was at that exact moment. though this trip wasn't the escape from reality that i was subconciously looking for, it did have its share of infinity.

i guess what ive learned this trip is that things balance out. that whole "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" business? i couldnt tell you how it relates to science, but i could tell you that its so true in real life. what goes wrong with eventually be solved, and whats solved will eventually unwind. maybe not back to how it was, but maybe thats the point? i dont know. i feel like i've collected all of these snipits of almost useful information and realizations and havent found a way to format them into something helpful or productive.

maybe lifes just a big game of would you rather.

talking during movies

i was going to write about last night's discovery that my sister had opened (not opened, burned the candle to find out what was inside of) the root beer bottle full of notes from my fellow cabin 10-ers at GUCI four summers ago. i was going to say how she "accidentally" threw away all of the notes because she didnt realize how important they were. i was going to mention the metaphorical significance of someone else throwing away these memories and how i had been waiting for years to open them and hadn't found the right time. i was going to acknowledge that this led me to find that my journal from middle school was REALLY easily accessible and that she probably could have read that too. i was going to then explain that i spent the half hour after the bottle incident reading my old journal and finding it to be absolutely hilarious, such as the fact that under "my perfect perfect perfect perfect guy" was "doesnt talk during the good parts of movies, even if he's seen them." yep, i actually wrote that.

but then i realized that it wasnt all that interesting, and i just summed up everything that happened anyway.

in other news, im going to be in israel right now in a week.