an awesome book.

the semester comes to a close and my life continuously gets more and less complicated depending on the day and hour and minute.
i glanced through my two favorite books that tomorrow i'll recommend to yet another friend. i hope that she wont mind the dog-earred pages and underlined and circled perfect articulations of love and confusion and life. but really, if she hadnt so beautifully and willingly put up with the dog-earred pages and underlined and circled parts of my real life, she wouldnt have asked to borrow it in the first place.
in the past week or so, i've been lucky enough to be reminded several times why my life is pretty damn ok. i've been reminded just as many times why it could suck, but for now, for at least the past 24 hours and the next 12 or so, i've chosen to ignore that part. ive been stuck in an undefined emotion that i lazily refer to as restlessness. but really, its not restlessness. because i am happy. and there have been some really amazing people lately who in big ways and small have reminded me why.
a friend who has no business knowing me this well after not really being friends for the last year or so has returned to my life with some inspiration. i dont want to dream of furniture, of buying a new hat, or of owning matching silverware.

i may be a few days late, but here's my list.

thanks for:

-the purple paint on my walls
-a signed lease with two amazing girls
-being almost, finally finally out of words
-friends who miss me as much as i miss them
-spring '10 with a very dear, albeit cynical, friend
-having two incredible options for this summer
-the successful, almost jacobs-status banana pudding i made
-my new sweatshirt, i.e. the most comfortable thing ive ever worn
-siblings who make me laugh so hard that we make a scene in public places
-people who call at the exact right moment
-the tricked out sound system in josh dinner's car
-reunions
-good books
-"falling in love for a second"
-a school i enjoy

this is what it feels like in fall, and also how to say it better than i can:

by derek c. brown:

Aren’t you sick of being appraised wholesale?
Aren’t you sick of sailing on listing ships?
Aren’t you weary from playing cellos with ex-lover’s bones?
I want the butterfly brigade to grant me a year with no stomach problems.
I want to affix the word un-blame in the dictionary
so I can screw up your spell check
and so I can call him without shaking.
I want a piano that will not warp outdoors
when the rain demands slow dancing.
I want to know how to sashay on a Saturday
with a mouth full of sa-tay… with Latter day Saints.
I want to skew the difference between Tai Chi and Chai tea, and end up drinking a tall glass of graceful force.
I want to lick my hands after I touch someone that has just become
razzle dazzled.
I want birds to come close enough to hear them speak Aviation Spanish.
I want your record collection in my throat,
and my thumb in the electric ass of the all night jukebox.
I want my shoulder blades mounted in the museum of knives.
I want church in a bar. I want to pass out and hear you say Amen.
I want a skeleton night light in the closet.
I want your wow in my now so we become NWOW.
I want the light in your attic to shine down to where the sidewalk ends.
I want free shit to not cost anything.
I want you to feel like a disco ball of fish hooks
so you can hang on my words and I can spin in your small miracles of light.
I want my kitchen to be a Brazilian dance floor
with a pot of your sweat in the oven
and a fridge stocked with butt lust.
I want new sheets.
I want your silver muscles cut into a quilt. Let me sleep under your strength.
I want more pony lamps.
I want to sing this into all tail pipes until I’m exhausted.
I want to smell everything.
I want to remember that the sky is so gorgeously large, I feel stranded beneath it.
When I gasp,
I only want to gasp for more

blue is my new favorite color!

i'm in awe.
really.
there isn't much to say that hasn't been said.
the emotions, the impact, the historical value, the puppy that two very lucky girls were promised by their dad.
but also, i was on tv!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/22887 506#27547326

everyone is a burning sun

today, i got pissed.

in my modern middle eastern politics class, my teacher had the chutzpah to present to the class two representations of culture, one from the Zionist perspective and one from the Palestinian.

the zionist: barbra streisand, in all her jewfro-ed glory, singing Hatikivah
the palestinian: a rap song containing the lyrics: "i'm the terrorist? YOU'RE the terrorist"

the juxtaposition of the two artistic representations were naive and ridiculous. to compare a legitimate country's national anthem to a pop song (that, i may add, he was singing along to) just seemed...so odd for a man of his intellect and well-versed knowledge of the subject.

but what i'm also realizing is that I'm THRILLED about how pissed I got. Sure, there are subjects that I can learn without bias. Finite math? I trust good ol' Mihai Chuku to tell me whats up. Comparative lit? I know sweet ms. Ursula Paleczek will watch out for my MLA format. but this is different.

in NFTY i was never the spokesperson. Sure, in the grand scheme of things I believe that i did positive things by holding my positions in the realm of membership and communication. locally, specifically. i mean lets face it, i introduced my region to the beauty that is The Monster Truck Rally. BUT. i was never the spokesperson for israel. i know for a fact that people know more than i do, and i was never really in the position to argue. i more so collected facts and information and perspectives and either dismissed, stored, or adopted them.

but to be so deeply moved by this stupid playing of a youtube clip by a professor...i'm just glad i feel something about it, i guess.

and i sort of wish that i hadn't voted already because i feel like voting for something that i DO have a say in would be the logical action to take after being shaken like this. all i can do is hope that others vote. that others feel the same sense of "i have to get up and DO something." that someone else gets to class next time we meet and asks why the hell he chose those two clips.

ain't it funny how time slips away

i'm reading a book about a man who loses his memory. it isn't about the technical stuff. the how, the why, the chemical connections and vibrations and complications.

what it is about is how his relationship with his wife is affected. he was a full person, with a full past, a full future. and the book so beautifully describes his desperation and overwhelming sense of "do i want to be who i was?"

those of us without the luxury of forgetting must deal with this question the normal way. no eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. days and months and minutes of remembering and realizing and analyzing. wondering who remembers what and if you've made an impact on someone. a kiss, a conversation, an infinite moment.

a few weeks ago, i was home and saw a painting. "You Are Already Whole" it told me, the finger-painted childishness of it almost made me feel pathetic for feeling so moved.

i just wonder: am i?

how long till my soul gets it right

i just burned my tongue on my soup.
and
i wore long sleeves to a party last night.
and
i have invested in tons of chapstick.
and
cough drops.
and
i open my window instead of turning on the air conditioning.

all of these events must mean one thing: fall.
and with fall comes crunching leaves and changing weather and nostaliga and hot chocolate and layered clothing and new music moods and a lack of flip flops and taking a deep breath and meeting new people.

theres this quote that i wrote down and taped to my desk:

"in the depths of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."