...i know that i'm naive...

and then there are moments like this where im scared and nervous and not ready in the slightest to be ok with things.

i am 16, going on 17...

according to the old 97's, nineteen is not the age of reason.

i would agree with them. i dont feel exceptionally wise or powerful or insightful today. nineteen doesnt reward you with a drivers license or an R-rated movie or a lottery ticket or a cocktail.

but i'm ok with that. im at a stage in my life where im not really looking for epic. well thats a lie. i'm always looking for epic. i'm always up for something infinite. but the up and down of this year should have driven me absolutely insane. it almost did. maybe with all the windiness, i'm ready for a little smooth sailing. (see, theres STILL so much magnificence!)

but let me tell you. i LOVED 18. i think i wore it well. i laughed, i cried, i fell in love, i fell out of touch, i met new people, i made friends, i made enemies, i made a mess, i made an impact.

but i think i'm ready for a new year. to start fresh. not start over, because i think that everything that you do today is impacted by the things you did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. but. everyone deserves a chance to take a deep breath and re-articulate and re-adjust, and i think i'm ready for that chance.

the waves are coming in

since the literally jaw-dropping john butler Ocean performance, i think my glasses have been tinted a little rosier.(although while i'm on the topic of the concert, i was a little disappointed that g.love didnt play 'the fishing song' and instead started with 'cant go back to jersey.' my life is hilarious and ironic yet again.)

as i stood there in awe, looking back at the bro-infested posse of concert goers to make eye contact with a friend, i was just so...ok. someone amazing was doing something amazing and loving his job. and now that i'm thinking about it, it is john butler's job to sit at his 12 string (11, actually, as i learned last night) and rock the fuck out of it. i actually almost cried.

anyway.

i spent all summer singing the heartwarming and ridiculous "there is so much magnificence...", i feel silly making the ocean/water/everything in life is so huge references. but really, sometimes it just feels big. and while i was on the IU campus today, i started to realize that i'm ok feeling a little bit overwhelmed. its the one emotion i didnt feel while at clark. not once did i look around and think "wow i am WAY too small for this pond." and i wasnt too big for it either--i mean i in no was was the smartest or coolest or prettiest person at clark. but to know that at IU i'm going to have to prove my self. well.

for today at least, i'm up for the challenge.

bubbles.

the last night of first session at jacobs, i had a chance to talk to each of the ten girls in my cabin. one on one, we just took several moments (or just a few, depending on the relative sleepiness-to-crankiness ratio) to debrief.
i went through the first few, the ones i didnt quite connect with. we talked, we laughed, they loved camp.

but then.
hannah orgel whispered in my ear "i have bubbles."
we went to the porch.
we sat in silence as we each reached for those wands that always end up way more sticky and soapy than you wish they did. we didnt talk. we just blew bubbles. looked at the lake and blew bubbles.
and in that moment, i swear i was infinite.

sitting on a porch in utica mississippi with a nine year old at midnight was not necessarily the game plan for the summer.
in fact, a lot of this summer didnt fit into the game plan.
but i guess sometimes theres only a game plan so that it can end up being the opposite of what you expect. maybe there are rules just so you can break them. maybe there are terrible moments just so you can enjoy the incredible ones. maybe i'm just trying to make up for my disappointment with cliches and vague, forced understanding.

i'd like to think it's more than that, though. i'd like to believe in the good in people. i'd like to believe that somewhere in everyone, there's a nine year old who just wants to blow bubbles with her camp counselor.

spinning all around this summer

i was in the car with the j-master and he informed me that he didnt want to get older. that he wanted to stay little forever.
i thought that was a little goofy, considering the little man is six years old, but i guess it also makes sense. he's aware enough to know that being a big kid is kinda rough sometimes. things dont work out the way you want them too, and you cant always grow up to be a big, blue dinosaur who lives in an airplane (his dream job when he was 3, no jokes.)
today was a rollercoaster, and i have yet to recieve the sigh-of-relief phone call to let me know the ride is coming to a safe and secure stop.
its strange when the one person you want to tell everything to is the one person not telling you anything.

after a night of chick flicks on TBS...

i dont really have much to say.
and i really feel so utterly lame writing on my first commitment-free friday night of the summer. but.
theres still no motivation.
i feel ridiculous and uncool and, not that i was ever more cool than i am now (which isnt that cool), thats never been something ive truly struggled with before.
i used to be confident in my quirkiness, and ok when i spent a few nights just hanging out at home.
i used to make people laugh.

and i guess maybe i do and maybe its just that its 1:30 and i'm being melodramatic, but im not in full E-M-I-L-Y mode, and i feel like i havent been for a while.

this funk has lasted too long.

i keep on counting on my adventures to pull me through it, but maybe this one, this summer full of fun and craziness and his cabin full of boys having crushes on my cabin full of girls is the one i've been waiting for.

it ended with a chair.

in this strange, ridiculous world that we live in, there isnt much thats certain.
all i know is that occasionally, all you need is an english muffin and a great friend.