im never as good as when you're here

its been the kind of week where i really need a post like this. a post of amazing reminders and overwhelmingly blissful syllables at a time where suddenly the world makes a lot less sense. so here's a compliation of some stuff ive found while stumblingupon. i hope i dont have other weeks like this where i need to find it, but its here.

"One of my philosophy professors lectured wildly about love once, yelling: “When you’re in love with someone, that person is the lighthouse of your universe.” (I scrawled it inside Science and Poetry in pencil—lighthouse of your universe—as if I would ever forget that phrase.) He was a delightful caricature of his position. I could swear he literally tore his hair out while howling at us. He went on, “Nothing means as much without that person.”
One of the men in the class repeated, incredulous, half-laughing “so you’re saying you can’t enjoy, like, a vacation, without someone if you’re really in love with them?”
“Of course not.” the professor replied. “Not completely. You recognize beauty, but beauty means less if they don’t witness it with you. Beauty is less. You see something sublime and your first thought is that they should be there with you. It’s not as good without them. They illuminate. They make everything more."

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened—or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."
— Tupac Shakur

"Someday, someone is going to walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. "

"I guess I’m just sort of in the mood to have a crush on somebody where it can’t hurt too much."

"There are moments when it’s too quiet. Particularly late at night or early in the mornings. That’s when you know there’s something lacking in your life. You just know." --frank sinatra

"S,

I wish I knew what to do with you.

— J"


i'm sure there will be more, but for now this is what it is.

back of the bus playlists

like the characters in the increasingly addictive Lost, it's been three years since ive left the island. not an actual time-travelling, role-reversing, medically-unpredictable island, but the island that was EIE.
and though three years is a long time and much has happened since, for the first time since then, i feel truly full. full of good people and intense conversations. full of laughter and tears. full of food and of hugs. full of life and love and inspiration.
sure, i'm not climbing mountains or solidifying friendships on picnic blankets or skipping class to drink milkshakes (well, actually i have done that) or sneaking in kisses between classes. but i am staying up too late and going on adventures and making messes and cleaning them up and sharing music on a futon and laughing until my belly hurts.
and thats whats important. the fact that i am once again able to share the same types of relationships that i used to be able to. that despite last year's various setbacks, ive been able to relapse and mold into this newer version of my old self. and the people that i met then, the experience that i had then...those things will always come first in my heart. but the fact that i've regained the ability to be that person--for better or for worse--is such a big step for me.
and so, like kate and locke and sawyer and the rest of the gang, i sometimes long for the old version of myself. but what i've collected from the present times, flashbacks, and even what feels like flashforwards, is a person who is finally finding her niche.

an awesome book.

the semester comes to a close and my life continuously gets more and less complicated depending on the day and hour and minute.
i glanced through my two favorite books that tomorrow i'll recommend to yet another friend. i hope that she wont mind the dog-earred pages and underlined and circled perfect articulations of love and confusion and life. but really, if she hadnt so beautifully and willingly put up with the dog-earred pages and underlined and circled parts of my real life, she wouldnt have asked to borrow it in the first place.
in the past week or so, i've been lucky enough to be reminded several times why my life is pretty damn ok. i've been reminded just as many times why it could suck, but for now, for at least the past 24 hours and the next 12 or so, i've chosen to ignore that part. ive been stuck in an undefined emotion that i lazily refer to as restlessness. but really, its not restlessness. because i am happy. and there have been some really amazing people lately who in big ways and small have reminded me why.
a friend who has no business knowing me this well after not really being friends for the last year or so has returned to my life with some inspiration. i dont want to dream of furniture, of buying a new hat, or of owning matching silverware.

i may be a few days late, but here's my list.

thanks for:

-the purple paint on my walls
-a signed lease with two amazing girls
-being almost, finally finally out of words
-friends who miss me as much as i miss them
-spring '10 with a very dear, albeit cynical, friend
-having two incredible options for this summer
-the successful, almost jacobs-status banana pudding i made
-my new sweatshirt, i.e. the most comfortable thing ive ever worn
-siblings who make me laugh so hard that we make a scene in public places
-people who call at the exact right moment
-the tricked out sound system in josh dinner's car
-reunions
-good books
-"falling in love for a second"
-a school i enjoy

this is what it feels like in fall, and also how to say it better than i can:

by derek c. brown:

Aren’t you sick of being appraised wholesale?
Aren’t you sick of sailing on listing ships?
Aren’t you weary from playing cellos with ex-lover’s bones?
I want the butterfly brigade to grant me a year with no stomach problems.
I want to affix the word un-blame in the dictionary
so I can screw up your spell check
and so I can call him without shaking.
I want a piano that will not warp outdoors
when the rain demands slow dancing.
I want to know how to sashay on a Saturday
with a mouth full of sa-tay… with Latter day Saints.
I want to skew the difference between Tai Chi and Chai tea, and end up drinking a tall glass of graceful force.
I want to lick my hands after I touch someone that has just become
razzle dazzled.
I want birds to come close enough to hear them speak Aviation Spanish.
I want your record collection in my throat,
and my thumb in the electric ass of the all night jukebox.
I want my shoulder blades mounted in the museum of knives.
I want church in a bar. I want to pass out and hear you say Amen.
I want a skeleton night light in the closet.
I want your wow in my now so we become NWOW.
I want the light in your attic to shine down to where the sidewalk ends.
I want free shit to not cost anything.
I want you to feel like a disco ball of fish hooks
so you can hang on my words and I can spin in your small miracles of light.
I want my kitchen to be a Brazilian dance floor
with a pot of your sweat in the oven
and a fridge stocked with butt lust.
I want new sheets.
I want your silver muscles cut into a quilt. Let me sleep under your strength.
I want more pony lamps.
I want to sing this into all tail pipes until I’m exhausted.
I want to smell everything.
I want to remember that the sky is so gorgeously large, I feel stranded beneath it.
When I gasp,
I only want to gasp for more

blue is my new favorite color!

i'm in awe.
really.
there isn't much to say that hasn't been said.
the emotions, the impact, the historical value, the puppy that two very lucky girls were promised by their dad.
but also, i was on tv!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/22887 506#27547326

everyone is a burning sun

today, i got pissed.

in my modern middle eastern politics class, my teacher had the chutzpah to present to the class two representations of culture, one from the Zionist perspective and one from the Palestinian.

the zionist: barbra streisand, in all her jewfro-ed glory, singing Hatikivah
the palestinian: a rap song containing the lyrics: "i'm the terrorist? YOU'RE the terrorist"

the juxtaposition of the two artistic representations were naive and ridiculous. to compare a legitimate country's national anthem to a pop song (that, i may add, he was singing along to) just seemed...so odd for a man of his intellect and well-versed knowledge of the subject.

but what i'm also realizing is that I'm THRILLED about how pissed I got. Sure, there are subjects that I can learn without bias. Finite math? I trust good ol' Mihai Chuku to tell me whats up. Comparative lit? I know sweet ms. Ursula Paleczek will watch out for my MLA format. but this is different.

in NFTY i was never the spokesperson. Sure, in the grand scheme of things I believe that i did positive things by holding my positions in the realm of membership and communication. locally, specifically. i mean lets face it, i introduced my region to the beauty that is The Monster Truck Rally. BUT. i was never the spokesperson for israel. i know for a fact that people know more than i do, and i was never really in the position to argue. i more so collected facts and information and perspectives and either dismissed, stored, or adopted them.

but to be so deeply moved by this stupid playing of a youtube clip by a professor...i'm just glad i feel something about it, i guess.

and i sort of wish that i hadn't voted already because i feel like voting for something that i DO have a say in would be the logical action to take after being shaken like this. all i can do is hope that others vote. that others feel the same sense of "i have to get up and DO something." that someone else gets to class next time we meet and asks why the hell he chose those two clips.