it's all happening...

im never as good as when you're here

2009-03-09T19:43:00.000-07:00

its been the kind of week where i really need a post like this. a post of amazing reminders and overwhelmingly blissful syllables at a time where suddenly the world makes a lot less sense. so here's a compliation of some stuff ive found while stumblingupon. i hope i dont have other weeks like this where i need to find it, but its here.

"One of my philosophy professors lectured wildly about love once, yelling: “When you’re in love with someone, that person is the lighthouse of your universe.” (I scrawled it inside Science and Poetry in pencil—lighthouse of your universe—as if I would ever forget that phrase.) He was a delightful caricature of his position. I could swear he literally tore his hair out while howling at us. He went on, “Nothing means as much without that person.”
One of the men in the class repeated, incredulous, half-laughing “so you’re saying you can’t enjoy, like, a vacation, without someone if you’re really in love with them?”
“Of course not.” the professor replied. “Not completely. You recognize beauty, but beauty means less if they don’t witness it with you. Beauty is less. You see something sublime and your first thought is that they should be there with you. It’s not as good without them. They illuminate. They make everything more."

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened—or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."
— Tupac Shakur

"Someday, someone is going to walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. "

"I guess I’m just sort of in the mood to have a crush on somebody where it can’t hurt too much."

"There are moments when it’s too quiet. Particularly late at night or early in the mornings. That’s when you know there’s something lacking in your life. You just know." --frank sinatra

"S,

I wish I knew what to do with you.

— J"

i'm sure there will be more, but for now this is what it is.

back of the bus playlists

2009-02-15T20:16:00.000-08:00

like the characters in the increasingly addictive Lost, it's been three years since ive left the island. not an actual time-travelling, role-reversing, medically-unpredictable island, but the island that was EIE.
and though three years is a long time and much has happened since, for the first time since then, i feel truly full. full of good people and intense conversations. full of laughter and tears. full of food and of hugs. full of life and love and inspiration.
sure, i'm not climbing mountains or solidifying friendships on picnic blankets or skipping class to drink milkshakes (well, actually i have done that) or sneaking in kisses between classes. but i am staying up too late and going on adventures and making messes and cleaning them up and sharing music on a futon and laughing until my belly hurts.
and thats whats important. the fact that i am once again able to share the same types of relationships that i used to be able to. that despite last year's various setbacks, ive been able to relapse and mold into this newer version of my old self. and the people that i met then, the experience that i had then...those things will always come first in my heart. but the fact that i've regained the ability to be that person--for better or for worse--is such a big step for me.
and so, like kate and locke and sawyer and the rest of the gang, i sometimes long for the old version of myself. but what i've collected from the present times, flashbacks, and even what feels like flashforwards, is a person who is finally finding her niche.

an awesome book.

2008-12-17T20:14:00.000-08:00

the semester comes to a close and my life continuously gets more and less complicated depending on the day and hour and minute.
i glanced through my two favorite books that tomorrow i'll recommend to yet another friend. i hope that she wont mind the dog-earred pages and underlined and circled perfect articulations of love and confusion and life. but really, if she hadnt so beautifully and willingly put up with the dog-earred pages and underlined and circled parts of my real life, she wouldnt have asked to borrow it in the first place.
in the past week or so, i've been lucky enough to be reminded several times why my life is pretty damn ok. i've been reminded just as many times why it could suck, but for now, for at least the past 24 hours and the next 12 or so, i've chosen to ignore that part. ive been stuck in an undefined emotion that i lazily refer to as restlessness. but really, its not restlessness. because i am happy. and there have been some really amazing people lately who in big ways and small have reminded me why.
a friend who has no business knowing me this well after not really being friends for the last year or so has returned to my life with some inspiration. i dont want to dream of furniture, of buying a new hat, or of owning matching silverware.

i may be a few days late, but here's my list.

2008-11-29T23:18:00.000-08:00

thanks for:

-the purple paint on my walls
-a signed lease with two amazing girls
-being almost, finally finally out of words
-friends who miss me as much as i miss them
-spring '10 with a very dear, albeit cynical, friend
-having two incredible options for this summer
-the successful, almost jacobs-status banana pudding i made
-my new sweatshirt, i.e. the most comfortable thing ive ever worn
-siblings who make me laugh so hard that we make a scene in public places
-people who call at the exact right moment
-the tricked out sound system in josh dinner's car
-reunions
-good books
-"falling in love for a second"
-a school i enjoy

this is what it feels like in fall, and also how to say it better than i can:

2008-11-12T19:59:00.000-08:00

by derek c. brown:

Aren’t you sick of being appraised wholesale?
Aren’t you sick of sailing on listing ships?
Aren’t you weary from playing cellos with ex-lover’s bones?
I want the butterfly brigade to grant me a year with no stomach problems.
I want to affix the word un-blame in the dictionary
so I can screw up your spell check
and so I can call him without shaking.
I want a piano that will not warp outdoors
when the rain demands slow dancing.
I want to know how to sashay on a Saturday
with a mouth full of sa-tay… with Latter day Saints.
I want to skew the difference between Tai Chi and Chai tea, and end up drinking a tall glass of graceful force.
I want to lick my hands after I touch someone that has just become
razzle dazzled.
I want birds to come close enough to hear them speak Aviation Spanish.
I want your record collection in my throat,
and my thumb in the electric ass of the all night jukebox.
I want my shoulder blades mounted in the museum of knives.
I want church in a bar. I want to pass out and hear you say Amen.
I want a skeleton night light in the closet.
I want your wow in my now so we become NWOW.
I want the light in your attic to shine down to where the sidewalk ends.
I want free shit to not cost anything.
I want you to feel like a disco ball of fish hooks
so you can hang on my words and I can spin in your small miracles of light.
I want my kitchen to be a Brazilian dance floor
with a pot of your sweat in the oven
and a fridge stocked with butt lust.
I want new sheets.
I want your silver muscles cut into a quilt. Let me sleep under your strength.
I want more pony lamps.
I want to sing this into all tail pipes until I’m exhausted.
I want to smell everything.
I want to remember that the sky is so gorgeously large, I feel stranded beneath it.
When I gasp,
I only want to gasp for more

blue is my new favorite color!

2008-11-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

i'm in awe.
really.
there isn't much to say that hasn't been said.
the emotions, the impact, the historical value, the puppy that two very lucky girls were promised by their dad.
but also, i was on tv!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/22887 506#27547326

everyone is a burning sun

2008-11-03T15:27:00.000-08:00

today, i got pissed.

in my modern middle eastern politics class, my teacher had the chutzpah to present to the class two representations of culture, one from the Zionist perspective and one from the Palestinian.

the zionist: barbra streisand, in all her jewfro-ed glory, singing Hatikivah
the palestinian: a rap song containing the lyrics: "i'm the terrorist? YOU'RE the terrorist"

the juxtaposition of the two artistic representations were naive and ridiculous. to compare a legitimate country's national anthem to a pop song (that, i may add, he was singing along to) just seemed...so odd for a man of his intellect and well-versed knowledge of the subject.

but what i'm also realizing is that I'm THRILLED about how pissed I got. Sure, there are subjects that I can learn without bias. Finite math? I trust good ol' Mihai Chuku to tell me whats up. Comparative lit? I know sweet ms. Ursula Paleczek will watch out for my MLA format. but this is different.

in NFTY i was never the spokesperson. Sure, in the grand scheme of things I believe that i did positive things by holding my positions in the realm of membership and communication. locally, specifically. i mean lets face it, i introduced my region to the beauty that is The Monster Truck Rally. BUT. i was never the spokesperson for israel. i know for a fact that people know more than i do, and i was never really in the position to argue. i more so collected facts and information and perspectives and either dismissed, stored, or adopted them.

but to be so deeply moved by this stupid playing of a youtube clip by a professor...i'm just glad i feel something about it, i guess.

and i sort of wish that i hadn't voted already because i feel like voting for something that i DO have a say in would be the logical action to take after being shaken like this. all i can do is hope that others vote. that others feel the same sense of "i have to get up and DO something." that someone else gets to class next time we meet and asks why the hell he chose those two clips.

ain't it funny how time slips away

2008-11-02T15:29:00.000-08:00

i'm reading a book about a man who loses his memory. it isn't about the technical stuff. the how, the why, the chemical connections and vibrations and complications.

what it is about is how his relationship with his wife is affected. he was a full person, with a full past, a full future. and the book so beautifully describes his desperation and overwhelming sense of "do i want to be who i was?"

those of us without the luxury of forgetting must deal with this question the normal way. no eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. days and months and minutes of remembering and realizing and analyzing. wondering who remembers what and if you've made an impact on someone. a kiss, a conversation, an infinite moment.

a few weeks ago, i was home and saw a painting. "You Are Already Whole" it told me, the finger-painted childishness of it almost made me feel pathetic for feeling so moved.

i just wonder: am i?

how long till my soul gets it right

2008-10-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

i just burned my tongue on my soup.
and
i wore long sleeves to a party last night.
and
i have invested in tons of chapstick.
and
cough drops.
and
i open my window instead of turning on the air conditioning.

all of these events must mean one thing: fall.
and with fall comes crunching leaves and changing weather and nostaliga and hot chocolate and layered clothing and new music moods and a lack of flip flops and taking a deep breath and meeting new people.

theres this quote that i wrote down and taped to my desk:

"in the depths of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

all i can be is me whoever that is.

2008-10-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

as i type this, i'm falling in love with the I'm Not There soundtrack. its the bands I like anyway singing really great bob dylan songs. not all of them are great and some combinations are a little weird. i feel a little like a tool cause i havent actually seen the movie yet, but for now, its quite lovely.
i'm having trouble being a good student here. and its not because i dont try and its not because i go out and party all the time. i feel like theres just this sort of disconnect between how i WANT to be doing in class and how i AM doing. i feel like i've lost my ability to write a good essay, i get frustrated so easily by math, i have to look at my reading assignments without actually reading them. and its not like the material is harder than last year. in fact most of the time its easier. and yet.
i've felt a little bit so far during the first few days of this new year like i've been sleep walking, and im not sure why. i'm not unhappy. i'm not. but i definitely cant figure this one out.
tomorrow my dad is picking me up and we're going to two shows. i love that i can do that. seriously. im in no way homesick, but the fact that i'll be laying on my couch tomorrow finishing up my homework and then going to Evil Dead: The Musical just really sounds pretty magical. can't beat that.

oh america.

2008-10-06T11:19:00.001-07:00

http://www.236.com/video/2008/watch_vp_debate_in_a_minute_9334.php

http://www.236.com/video/2008/watch_first_presidential_debat_1_9186.php

keep it together

2008-10-02T22:32:00.000-07:00

theres nothing like guster at the end of a good night.

i tried to do headstands for you

2008-09-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

tonight is new year's eve.

there may be no dick clark, no times square ball drop, no fireworks. but as i rush from my middle eastern politics class to my McNutt erev rosh hashanah dinner, i'll feel the same thing i've been feeling the past week or so. that something new, something big, is on its way.

the first few weeks of school, i found myself looking at my life here as a distraction. looking for things to get my mind off other things. things far away, things long ago, things i gave up on or that gave up on me. but what i've noticed is that the life i was distracting myself with is slowly becoming the life ive been looking for. sure, it's only been a month, but something about this place feels good.

i've never been one for resolutions. why limit changing your behavior based on the change in calendar year? why not do things right now? why not be a better version of yourself today? but in the spirit of this change in season, i will make a new years wish. and that is that i hope my life here at IU continues to remind me of the new ipod commercial. vibrant, silly, full of energy, and with just a touch of "what the hell is she singing about?"

things that bring me back to full Emily potential

2008-09-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

cowboy boots
strawberry powerade zero
getting dressed listening to Buzzin by shwazye
my modern middle eastern politics class
papermate flair pens
my huge tv remote
text messages
a new context for jason mraz songs
nostalgia-inducing pictures
rekindled friendshps
sharp cheddar cheese
First Day Of My Life by bright eyes
aquafresh toothpaste
jonah's "I am barack obama and i approve this message" messages
barack obama
glow-in-the-dark stars

theres too much hate in the world, but not too much cookies

2008-09-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

"I like you because
When I tell you something special
You know it's special
And you remember it
A long long time

You say
Remember when you told me
Something special

And both of us remember."

attached to a breathtaking letter, i recieved a book yesterday. i recieved this book from someone who deserves everything good about life, but instead of waiting for it, she spreads that goodness to other people. its amazing, really.

"I like you because
You know when it's time to stop being silly

Maybe day after tomorrow
Maybe never

Oops too late
it's quarter past silly"

this weekend, i was silly. it's one of my favorite emotions, but one i'm terrible at faking when i'm not up for it. last weekend--i was not lighthearted and relaxed. this weekend, something clicked and i was just loopy enough and just goofy enough and just balanced enough to have a really great time.

"And I like you because
When I am feeling sad
You don't always cheer me up right away

Sometimes it is better to be sad
You can't stand the others being so googly and gaggly every single minute
You want to think about things

it takes time."

And meanwhile, I'm sometimes completely overwhelmed by this beautiful friendship i still have with my william miller, all the way across the country. he's in the real world, doing real things, making real impacts. i'm sitting at my desk writing a response for j-hist. in some ways im so jealous and in some ways i'm so scared of that infinite abyss to come. yesterday i was on the phone for two hours with ahillels trying to figure out how to study abroad together next year. sometimes i feel like just so weird and lonely and other times i cant do anything but smile and sigh because i do have truly amazing people in my life.

"I would go on choosing you
And you would go on choosing me
Over and over again."

sometimes i wish things worked out the way i thought they would. sometimes i cant help but think they still might. in the meantime, usually, i think i'm doing pretty ok.

the view from saturday

2008-09-06T09:01:00.000-07:00

a few thoughts, but its still morning on a saturday, so i dont have enough energy or motivation to form them into full blog-tastic content.

1. my campers are still writing me letters and emails. how could i NOT want to go back next summer?
2. i read through part of my old journal-y thing yesterday from israel and senior year and i was funny. i also find myself in some eerily similar situations.
3. facebook statuses. stati? just: oy.
4. work started yesterday. although it's not the most glamorous, i dont have to walk far and i learned how to make various starbucks coffee creations. ooo. fancy!
5. my desk is sort of messy, but also very colorful.
6. i miss my sisters and jonah.
7. i dont have season tickets, but i hope that i can sit in the student section at the game today because i actually want to attend a school-sponsored sporting event. plus i have a really cute shirt that has footballs on it.
8. the top bunk isnt too bad.
9. asz is one of the best friends a girl can have.
10. i love that the basement of my building rents out dvds...like season three of entourage. yay!

37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime.

2008-08-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

yep. on my first saturday night at IU, party school extraordinare, i am blogging. WOOOO i'm awesome.
anyway, during my last three adventure-filled nights, ive had a lot of fun, so dont you go thinking that i havent had my share of IU life thus far. (who am i kidding, maggie harry is the only one who reads this. i miss you tons and tons and tons, by the way)
but my friend MICHAEL (see. i mentioned you. love you.) raised an interesting question. am i happier lost in a big school than stuck in a small school? this isnt even really a blog-worthy question, because my definite answer is yes.
what is interesting is that i already see myself using my old clark ways as my comfort zone. i see myself wanting to skip stuff to stay in and watch movies and stay laid back. but i also see myself reaching out and branching out, at least a little bit here and there. i know i'm using what clark didnt have to emphasize the good of what IU does. which is exactly why, as miserable as i was, i have no regrets about clark last year.
and the good part is: as i look around at my desk--the glow-in-the-dark stars, the jonah drawings, the hangy jewish star mobile thingy, the HUGE glasses katie and i bought as a joke...the essence of me is here. the outline of who i was and who i'm becoming. i have the chance, in these acres of trees and thousands of people, to make room for a better version of myself.

i guess we'll see.

2008-08-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

"ever since i've had the shop, we've been trying to flog a record by a group called the Sid James Experience. Usually, we get rid of the stuff we can't move--reduce it to 10p, or throw it away--but Barry loves this album (he's got two copies of his own, just in case somebody borrows one and fails to return it), and he says it's rare, and that someday we'll make somebody very happy. It's become a bit of a joke, really. Regular customers ask after its health, and give it a friendly pat when they're browsing, and sometimes they bring the sleeve up to the counter as if they're going to buy it, and then say 'Just Kidding!' and put it back where they found it.
Anyway, on Friday morning, this guy I've never seen before starts flicking through the 'British Pop S-Z section,' lets out a gasp of amazement and rushes up to the counter, clutching the sleeve to his chest as if he's afraid someone will snatch it from him. And then he gets out his wallet and pays for it, seven quid, just like that, no attempt to haggle, no recognition of the significance of what he is doing. I let Barry serve him--it's his moment--and Dick and I watch every move, holding our breath; it's like someone has walked in, tipped petrol over himself, and produced a box of matches from his pocket. We don't exhale until he's struck the match and set himself alight, and when he's gone we laugh and laugh and laugh. It gives up all strength: if someone can just walk in and buy the Sid James Experience album, then surely anything good can happen at any time."

...i know that i'm naive...

2008-08-15T22:50:00.000-07:00

and then there are moments like this where im scared and nervous and not ready in the slightest to be ok with things.

i am 16, going on 17...

2008-08-14T20:27:00.000-07:00

according to the old 97's, nineteen is not the age of reason.

i would agree with them. i dont feel exceptionally wise or powerful or insightful today. nineteen doesnt reward you with a drivers license or an R-rated movie or a lottery ticket or a cocktail.

but i'm ok with that. im at a stage in my life where im not really looking for epic. well thats a lie. i'm always looking for epic. i'm always up for something infinite. but the up and down of this year should have driven me absolutely insane. it almost did. maybe with all the windiness, i'm ready for a little smooth sailing. (see, theres STILL so much magnificence!)

but let me tell you. i LOVED 18. i think i wore it well. i laughed, i cried, i fell in love, i fell out of touch, i met new people, i made friends, i made enemies, i made a mess, i made an impact.

but i think i'm ready for a new year. to start fresh. not start over, because i think that everything that you do today is impacted by the things you did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. but. everyone deserves a chance to take a deep breath and re-articulate and re-adjust, and i think i'm ready for that chance.

the waves are coming in

2008-08-08T21:22:00.001-07:00

since the literally jaw-dropping john butler Ocean performance, i think my glasses have been tinted a little rosier.(although while i'm on the topic of the concert, i was a little disappointed that g.love didnt play 'the fishing song' and instead started with 'cant go back to jersey.' my life is hilarious and ironic yet again.)

as i stood there in awe, looking back at the bro-infested posse of concert goers to make eye contact with a friend, i was just so...ok. someone amazing was doing something amazing and loving his job. and now that i'm thinking about it, it is john butler's job to sit at his 12 string (11, actually, as i learned last night) and rock the fuck out of it. i actually almost cried.

anyway.

i spent all summer singing the heartwarming and ridiculous "there is so much magnificence...", i feel silly making the ocean/water/everything in life is so huge references. but really, sometimes it just feels big. and while i was on the IU campus today, i started to realize that i'm ok feeling a little bit overwhelmed. its the one emotion i didnt feel while at clark. not once did i look around and think "wow i am WAY too small for this pond." and i wasnt too big for it either--i mean i in no was was the smartest or coolest or prettiest person at clark. but to know that at IU i'm going to have to prove my self. well.

for today at least, i'm up for the challenge.

bubbles.

2008-08-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

the last night of first session at jacobs, i had a chance to talk to each of the ten girls in my cabin. one on one, we just took several moments (or just a few, depending on the relative sleepiness-to-crankiness ratio) to debrief.
i went through the first few, the ones i didnt quite connect with. we talked, we laughed, they loved camp.

but then.
hannah orgel whispered in my ear "i have bubbles."
we went to the porch.
we sat in silence as we each reached for those wands that always end up way more sticky and soapy than you wish they did. we didnt talk. we just blew bubbles. looked at the lake and blew bubbles.
and in that moment, i swear i was infinite.

sitting on a porch in utica mississippi with a nine year old at midnight was not necessarily the game plan for the summer.
in fact, a lot of this summer didnt fit into the game plan.
but i guess sometimes theres only a game plan so that it can end up being the opposite of what you expect. maybe there are rules just so you can break them. maybe there are terrible moments just so you can enjoy the incredible ones. maybe i'm just trying to make up for my disappointment with cliches and vague, forced understanding.

i'd like to think it's more than that, though. i'd like to believe in the good in people. i'd like to believe that somewhere in everyone, there's a nine year old who just wants to blow bubbles with her camp counselor.

spinning all around this summer

2008-05-21T18:19:00.000-07:00

i was in the car with the j-master and he informed me that he didnt want to get older. that he wanted to stay little forever.
i thought that was a little goofy, considering the little man is six years old, but i guess it also makes sense. he's aware enough to know that being a big kid is kinda rough sometimes. things dont work out the way you want them too, and you cant always grow up to be a big, blue dinosaur who lives in an airplane (his dream job when he was 3, no jokes.)
today was a rollercoaster, and i have yet to recieve the sigh-of-relief phone call to let me know the ride is coming to a safe and secure stop.
its strange when the one person you want to tell everything to is the one person not telling you anything.

after a night of chick flicks on TBS...

2008-05-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

i dont really have much to say.
and i really feel so utterly lame writing on my first commitment-free friday night of the summer. but.
theres still no motivation.
i feel ridiculous and uncool and, not that i was ever more cool than i am now (which isnt that cool), thats never been something ive truly struggled with before.
i used to be confident in my quirkiness, and ok when i spent a few nights just hanging out at home.
i used to make people laugh.

and i guess maybe i do and maybe its just that its 1:30 and i'm being melodramatic, but im not in full E-M-I-L-Y mode, and i feel like i havent been for a while.

this funk has lasted too long.

i keep on counting on my adventures to pull me through it, but maybe this one, this summer full of fun and craziness and his cabin full of boys having crushes on my cabin full of girls is the one i've been waiting for.

it ended with a chair.

2008-05-02T05:57:00.000-07:00

in this strange, ridiculous world that we live in, there isnt much thats certain.
all i know is that occasionally, all you need is an english muffin and a great friend.

...in ohio, california, or wherever...

2008-04-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

I just got two pink Mentos in a row. If that’s not good luck and good karma, I don’t know what is. Whoa. Third pink Mento in a row. Is Mentos singular or is Mento grammatically correct? Anyway. I’m listening to one of my favorite songs on a mix I made for one of my favorite people, and the sun is rising.
This weekend is a stretch for me. It’s a practice in (FOUR PINK MENTOS!?) character. I am fully prepared to take it on, to prove that I am able to bounce back from a mistake. Despite my minor panic attack last night, I believe that I’m at my most able and willing to take this challenge on.
The boy thinks I have Corey Matthews Syndrome, where I need to be liked by everyone. I’d like to think I’m not suffering from this disease, but knowing that I have the opportunity to begin to make things better does give me a sense of redemption and enlightenment. There’s a part of me that thinks that I have a snowball’s chance in hell of actually righting my wrongs, but all I can do is try, right?
Then there’s school stuff. In on week, I will no longer be a student at Clark University. If I told myself when I applied that I would be saying that before three years from now, I’d be absolutely flabbergasted (yep, flabbergasted).
I applied early to a school I thought I adored. I invested myself in an institution that I thought I loved. But the thing is, I’m in no way bitter. I truly believe that had I started my college journey at IU (or anywhere else, for that matter), I would have been devastatingly unhappy. Those who know me well can argue that I’ve been struggling with that here anyway. I really, though, think that this all goes back to good old rule number 8. I’m nervous and scared and unsure and thrilled.
I couldn’t have asked for a better Elliot Reid to my JD this year, but the idea of being able to have lunch with a different person every day for a month if I wanted to is so nice. Seriously I cannot say enough for having “a person.” I don’t even watch Grey’s Anatomy, but I still understand the importance of one. But to be at a place where I can either re-connect with old friends or make completely new ones. I just feel…free. And with freedom comes absolutely stunning terror, but also fresh air. I’m ready to take a deep breath.
This is probably my last post from Clark, which is kind of odd considering it’s 5:41 AM and I’m sitting in terminal A of Logan International Airport (which, by the way, is completely lacking in anything remotely close to Kosher for Passover. I had Mentos and a Diet Coke. Don’t tell the big guy.) Over the course of the last 15 minutes of me writing this, the sun has come up.
The last time I truly remember sitting at watching the sunrise was on Yam L’Yam. Come to think of it, it was probably the only memorable-in-a-good-way part of Yam L’Yam. Sometimes the big things just get to me. I’m overwhelmed by being so freaking small and suddenly the huge aforementioned problems I was having seem miniscule. I feel silly for even being worried. I look around at the beer-bellied polo shirt wearer and the business man with a look of concern and the girls’-weekend-outers to my left. I wonder what they’re nervous about. The world is really big. The cycle continues.

sometimes i'm ok with mondays

2008-04-21T09:42:00.000-07:00

Internet-less last weekend, i found myself rummaging through old files on my computer. i wasnt really sure what i was looking for, but i came across this. part of me is upset because i feel like ive let the girl who wrote the following passage down, and part of me is optimistic that i know she's still in here. either way, i dont think we ever ended up putting senior shout outs in the paper (what this was supposed to be written for, i think), so id at least like it to be out in the universe in this context.

Its raining a little bit. Not the kind of panicky, desperate, sudden rain. The rain that sneaks up on you. Suddenly you hear the drops dance, they bounce, they land. This rain is ending a perfect day. Not perfect in the traditional sense. I woke up at 6:23. I pretended to brush my hair and, in the three minutes I had left before leaving for the car, scarfed down a bowl of Honey-Nut Cheerios. I went to my five classes. Not the your average vision of true bliss here. But. Something about today.
Its one of those days I’m not sure whether ten years from now I’ll remember or forget. It wasn’t epic. It wasn’t big. It just was. It’s days like this that, whether I remember them specifically or not, I’ll miss. I’ll miss meeting my friends at Steak and Shake. Friends I haven’t seen for a year. Friends I haven‘t seen since eight o‘clock this morning. Making each other laugh. Real, important conversations disguised as silly ones. I’ll miss whatever it was that I felt today when I finalized a design for one of the senior mag pages. I’ll miss the “hey whats up?” in the hallway, the communal longing to just be outside instead of in class.
These are feelings I know I’ll take advantage of in college. I know that I’ll walk around on campus, iPod on, head in the clouds. I’ll wave and greet and hug without making an effort. I’ll do the crossword puzzle, leave the room without a pass, and go to my dorm room without seeking permission. I recognize that at some point in the near future I’ll possibly forget all of this experience and knowledge I’ve gained about the angst-ridden teenage life. My hope is that I don’t.
Im sure by now you’re reading and waiting for a culmination that either incorporates the metaphorical, aforementioned rain or serves as a thank you for everyone and everything that has happened to me during the last four years.
I’m leaving you with neither. My only request during the next one, two, or three years that you have left in high school is to carpe diem, seize the day. Whether for you that means going to the football games, taking an extra AP, or trying out for a play.
As a general philosophy, I try not to regret my decisions or lack thereof. I think that I’m fairly successful. I wish that same success for you.

singing, screaming, kissing, tugging.

2008-04-09T18:55:00.001-07:00

i just deleted about a paragraph and a half of bad and negative and sad thoughts. but now that i deleted it, it no longer exists. and i think that my real self should follow my blog self and do that in the real world to. so. goodbye bad things. goodbye monsters under my bed and uncomfortable situations and mean thoughts. im done with you. you are bad for my complexion. i will let myself be sad sometimes, but i promise i will try to focus on the happy and silly and wonderful.

for instance, in 26 days, i will be playing speed scrabble with the coolest kid in the universe. and also, the boy that i have a crush on flew three hours this weekend to hold my hand at a concert and eat chinese food on my dorm room floor. and also, i think that the guy was just being rude to me at the coffee shop today because he was trying to flirt with me. and also, tonight the wrap that i get every time we go to the caf tasted a little bit yummier. and also, i got accepted to IU today. and also, i am going to wear sundresses all weekend in georgia. and also, i am smiling.

stumbling upon happiness

2008-04-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

so.
its one of those days. those good days that pave the way for good things.

today, i got the call i was hoping for, with the news i was waiting for, and i really feel as though this is right. i feel relieved and surprised and content.

i get to see one of my favorites tonight. the boy who makes me feel like me. who laughs with me at blogs and the OC and Cool Ideas, even though we really just like spending the time together.

yesterday i downloaded stumbleupon.com. its my newest obsession and the reason why i've spent four of the last 24 hours in front of my computer.

the website led me to this: http://www.sleeptrip.com/300loveletters/2.html
its like postsecret but consistantly happy and hopeful and beautiful.

its just...its just good. things right now are good. april has always been better for me than march and this year is no different so far. lets see what happens.

six forty-three p.m.

2008-04-01T15:39:00.000-07:00

three strange things happened to me in the last thirty seconds. all in their own quirky ways, maybe they were trying to signify something important.

the first: i, for the first time in my eight year pogo.com career, popped every single poppit balloon in the game. they awarded me 750 points and a whole lot of dignity.

the second: an old friend, one that met me as i acting talent-less-ly entered the theater at the beginning of sophomore year with a big freaking smile on my face, imed me. we havent talked in a really long time and my life has changed so much since then i dont even know where to start. im intrigued by the challenge.

the third: my sister just texted me with the information that in two weeks and two days, she'll be a teenager. this queen of her middle school will be thirteen.

maybe they dont actually connect or mean anything, but im having the kind of day where id like to think that maybe they do.

for kelly, cause she wanted a new one.

2008-03-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

it seems as though every time for the last month or so that i've tried to update this, theres something getting in my way. a change in opinion, an alternative perspective, a reason why not. something.
and what im starting to realize is that theres been very little consistancy in my March in general, not just in blogworld.
cancelled flight, cancelled plans, cancelled friendships.
but maybe it doesnt have to be that way. i mean, maybe all that stuff is just on hold. maybe its just that the original plan wasnt quite right.
maybe its that i need to grasp onto the stuff that i do have the ability to control and focus on it. maybe i need to embrace the beauty of three people sitting on a bed, laughing hysterically, for the first time together in over a year, instead of focusing on the time thats passed. maybe i need to appreciate the real-life face time i'm getting with people i enjoy, instead of the fact that my computer still isnt working. maybe i need to put in perspective how great it is to know that sometimes he does let me in past that brick wall, instead of realizing just how long these 7 weeks are going to feel. maybe i need to trust the strength that my fellow barefoot islander sees in me, instead of my inability to see that strength within myself.
maybe i should take a deep breath.

2008-02-25T12:08:00.001-08:00

as per usual, there isnt much enlightenment going on over in the snow-soaked territory of worcester. however, i'll stand my ground and once again profess that i generally believe that one of the greatest emotions out there is anticipation. the unknown. the speculation. the tightness right underneath and between your rib cage. it really is quite wonderful.
though before i can anticipate the good, i must get through two midterms and an essay; only one of the three is over a subject that i actually remotely understand. and thus, a blog post.
im writing an essay about nietzsche's perspective of the hero. and really. i dont give a fuck. i mean i know he's this intense and well-acclaimed philosophical writer. but. he was out of his freaking mind. really. the man thought he was socrates.
a boy once said to me, as i called him to interrupt his homework, "no, its ok, i want to talk. nietzsche died 100 years ago, with you, i gotta seize the next hundred." I have this bad habit of relating songs to situations, outfits to outings, quotes to contexts. so of course every time we discuss nietzsche, i go back to this one particular moment sophomore year when this boy said this thing that he probably doesnt even remember saying.
my point is that, when i let my carpe diem-y side shine, i totally agree with him. and not just in the context of that one conversation, because i have no idea what we talked about, but in life. i think its why i like the feeling of anticipation so much. regardless of what's happened in the past, or even how awful of a mood i'm in now, theres always at least something good to look forward to.

a list

2008-02-08T10:13:00.001-08:00

the stuff on my mind today:

1. there is a house across the street from my third floor window. if it was in a dark alley, it would be the boo radley of the neighborhood, but instead it sits on a street corner with a bench in front and a capture the flag-acceptable backyard. nothing is really that out of the ordinary, except that a new set of characters comes in and out every day. no one looks familiar. different cars park in front. it's just really strange.

2. tuesday begins another adventure, which im thrilled about, but its going to be so weird going back there on thursday.

3. what should i wear tonight?

over the rainbow

2008-02-05T17:00:00.000-08:00

for the first time in five days, I can see my floor. Not that i've minded my mis-matched group of visitors, but for the next week or so I plan on taking a deep breath. i'll let my thoughts simmer and hopefully they'll turn into something productive.
lately ive been thinking a lot about evolution. not science-y darwin stuff, as anyone who reads this thing has probably spent at least an hour or seven of their lives hearing me complain about my physics class, so naturally the evolution to which i refer is NOT science oriented.
i have, however, been thinking about change. and what causes it. and what happens because of it. how some guy who thought i was cute in my red dress a year ago is now the first name i look for when i sign online. how someone who simply shared my passion (yes, passion) for jim and regina is the person i still hang out with every day. how the boy responsible for changing the course of my israel experience was recently admitted into the school that i loved. how the school that i loved is no longer where i want to be.
its just so strange.
this time next week? im off on another adventure with people who make me laugh. people who make me question myself. maybe my collection of almost-thoughts will turn into something motivating. maybe there i'll find an outlet for this bundled up on-the-verge-of-greatness gut feeling that i cant make go away.

everything and nothing

2008-01-23T09:45:00.000-08:00

this actually happens to me a lot.
i get worked up and so frustrated and annoyed about a class and the requirements and the teacher and then suddenly it makes sense.
the first time this happened to me in a significant way was during my sophomore year chemistry class. nothing made sense and i hated everything about the subject and then...magically...i understood chemistry for an entire week. it was a glorious week. since that moment over three years ago, i've wanted to strangle mr. heaston for giving me that glimmer of hope, but still. it happened. i understood.
anyway. im sitting on my bed, reading Irrational Man: A Study in Existential Philosophy by William Barrett, hating the fact that I have twenty pages to go. but then:
"when, by chance or fate, we fall into an extreme situation--one, that is, on the far side of what is normal, routine, accepted, traditional, safeguarded--we are threatened by the void. the soildity of the so-called real world evaporates under the pressure of our situation."
its like he's mocking me for being frustrated with the material. for being nervous about doing well in the class. for not getting it.

this whole situation (as in enjoying a single paragraph out of a 60 page assignment) isnt going to change my whole philosophy on life or even probably change my entire outlook on the class, but at least this happened, you know? at least for a second i liked it. and for me, i guess, thats worth it.

theres too much hate in the world, but not too much cookies

2008-01-16T03:58:00.000-08:00

now that i've slept away most of my jet lag, showered away my layer of recycled air, and hopefully avoided strep or menangitus or whatever my crazy spitting kitler friend has, i guess its time to reflect.

in one of my favorite books, the perks of being a wallflower, charlie describes the first time he felt infinite. the first time nothing in the world mattered except where he was at that exact moment. though this trip wasn't the escape from reality that i was subconciously looking for, it did have its share of infinity.

i guess what ive learned this trip is that things balance out. that whole "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" business? i couldnt tell you how it relates to science, but i could tell you that its so true in real life. what goes wrong with eventually be solved, and whats solved will eventually unwind. maybe not back to how it was, but maybe thats the point? i dont know. i feel like i've collected all of these snipits of almost useful information and realizations and havent found a way to format them into something helpful or productive.

maybe lifes just a big game of would you rather.

talking during movies

2007-12-27T09:48:00.000-08:00

i was going to write about last night's discovery that my sister had opened (not opened, burned the candle to find out what was inside of) the root beer bottle full of notes from my fellow cabin 10-ers at GUCI four summers ago. i was going to say how she "accidentally" threw away all of the notes because she didnt realize how important they were. i was going to mention the metaphorical significance of someone else throwing away these memories and how i had been waiting for years to open them and hadn't found the right time. i was going to acknowledge that this led me to find that my journal from middle school was REALLY easily accessible and that she probably could have read that too. i was going to then explain that i spent the half hour after the bottle incident reading my old journal and finding it to be absolutely hilarious, such as the fact that under "my perfect perfect perfect perfect guy" was "doesnt talk during the good parts of movies, even if he's seen them." yep, i actually wrote that.

but then i realized that it wasnt all that interesting, and i just summed up everything that happened anyway.

in other news, im going to be in israel right now in a week.

hey lookie! i wrote this!

2007-12-22T21:21:00.001-08:00

Parashat Sh’mot (Exodus 1:1 to 6:1): The Importance of Names: Who do we create a future based on history?
By Emily Harry

E-M-I-L-Y. The five letters that my parents thought would most accurately represent my personality. The subject of songs by Simon & Garfunkel, Bowling for Soup and Keller Williams. The name of fifteen other Emily’s in Clark University’s (580 member) Class of 2011.

By now, after having the most popular girl’s name in America every year since 1995, I’m used to my unoriginal label. I’ve already been in and out of the stage since 6th grade when I started spelling my name with a backwards “E” because I was bored with the ordinary way. When I was 3 and my parents asked me what my sister’s name should be, I replied, “Mrs. Butterworth,” in what I’d like to think was a fit of rebellion from my boring and conventional title.

However, sometime in between my acknowledgement that my new sister was named Katherine as opposed to a breakfast condiment and now, my feelings about my name have changed. Learning the history behind why my parents chose this collection of syllables for me has changed my perspective completely.

As Jews of eastern European descent, it is traditional to name a child after someone close to us, either a relative or a friend, who has passed away. In my case, I’m honored to be named after both. My great-great grandmother on my father’s side was named Ellen. Her best friend was named Tess. I, Emily Tess Harry, am named after a friendship—a connection between two people so moving that every time I write my name on the top of my homework, I’m strengthening a multi-generational bond.

That last statement may seem a little melodramatic, but in this week’s Parashat Sh’mot, the importance of names is abundantly clear. In Exodus 1:21, Pharaoh punishes the Israelites by instructing that every son shall be killed and every daughter shall live. By wiping out the name of the father, not only is the Pharaoh damaging the population of the Jewish people in terms of numbers, but he’s damaging the population based on a fundamental principle concerning the importance of names.

The rest of this story has to do with the upbringing of Moses. In the epic burning bush scene, Moses asks God for God’s name and God replies, “ Ehyeh-Asher-Ehyeh,” generally translated as, “I am that I am.” (Exodus 3:14) This is one of the most famous scenes in the Torah, and has provoked a huge assortment of interesting commentary from multiple religions.

It’s incredibly eye opening to look back every once in a while and acknowledge the significance of this concept not only within your family tree, but also within the context of the entire Jewish people.

R E L A T E D Q U E S T I O N S

Why does God reply with “I am that I am” instead of a specific name?
We all learned in Sunday School that there are several acceptable names for God. So why at this time, in the presence of Moses, does God not use any of those names that we have heard before? I tend to believe that this new name creates a state of an eternal being, of timelessness. There has been a lot of debate throughout history as to the tense of the phrase, whether it’s present, present perfect, all that fun stuff. God’s conversation with Moses in this instance is overwhelming with importance, which is reflected in the way the name is stated.
What if my name isn’t based on something biblical or historical?
Obviously not all of us have a popular name that was picked out based on specific people or for specific reasons. Maybe our parents just liked the way it sounded. Any way you look at it though, there’s going to be a background story. There’s no less validity in a name that was picked at random, and if anything, it allows you the opportunity to create your own history from scratch.
T A K I N G A C T I O N

Do some research!
Don’t just sit there; find out something interesting about yourself. Next to your inevitably open Facebook window, create a new tab and type your name into Google. If you’re someone like me who generally gets something unrelated (“…Emily says, “Harry Potter…”), try some of the websites in the resources section to find out about your ancestry.
If you’re feeling really experimental, sit down at breakfast or dinner with your parents and talk about your names. Since they are the ones that chose them, they’re likely to have the answers and anecdotes that you’re looking for. Don’t be afraid to let that information lead to a longer conversation about where their names came from, where your siblings’ names came from, where their pets’ names came from. The possibilities are endless.

Create a name for yourself!
Although it’s common for us to focus on the history of a name, don’t forget about the future. Your name and signature are something that are specifically yours and identify you as an individual. Take pride in that! One of my favorite parts of Judaism is the incredible importance that we place on what our families and our people will take from us after we are no longer here. Exodus 3:16 states, “This is My name forever, and this is My memorial unto all generations.” I’m a carpe diem kind of girl, but I also try to keep in mind that I want to be someone whose great-great granddaughter would be proud to share my name.
i T O R A H L I S H M A H

Which is more important, the name that your parents give you or the name that you earn yourself?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emily Harry, currently serving as NFTY MCVP, is a freshman at Clark University where she is studying Communication and Culture. Last year she served as Ohio Valley's North MVP, engaging the region in academically significant activities such as a monster truck rally in Cincinnati, Ohio. She has attended Goldman Union Camp Institute, been an enthusiastic member of the Kutz Camp community as both participant and staff and spent 4 months in Israel on the Eisendrath International Exchange. Emily is excited to have worn her too-big-for-her-face sunglasses in San Diego for the NFTY Leaders Assembly at the URJ Biennial and enjoyed seeing some of you there!

the things that i learned this week

2007-12-16T22:20:00.001-08:00

1. that spitting off of a balcony and into the infinite abyss of the marriot moat is a bad idea. melanie will find you and hunt you down. so will juan. the colored goldfish crackers in the box do not need to be set free to make friends with the real life goldfish in the water. they just dont.

2. the U.S.S. Bunker Hill consists of a lovely group of people, most of whom have excellent taste in music, enjoy more alcoholic beverages than they can handle, and really, really like zach's jacket.

3. a venti java chip light frap consists of: 300 calories, 7 grams of fat, and 20% of the daily recommended dose of calcium. im going to die young, and im going to die happy. who'd have thought that love could be so caffinated?

4. if lunch is salmon, survey says: desert will be too.

5. knowing three minutes before you go on stage in front of 5,000 people is actually more fun than being prepared for it. especially when you arent wearing real pants.

6. isaac will eventually hug you. you dont think hes going to. but no, of course, you dont give up. you dont get discouraged. you keep trying. he WILL hug you.

7. the v of rj's love my outfit.

8. it wasnt really charlie's fault. nameless british older brother totally was asking for it. asshole.

9. ballet fairy tales are real. except, they dont tell you the whole story. they dont tell you that clara didnt actually find the nutcracker under her christmas tree. oh no. they dont tell you that he actually showed up in an elevator, a sign from yoffie himself, telling us all to have a happy and healthy holiday season.

10. that even though there were times when i thought "why me? how could anyone have possibly wanted me to be the one standing here, pantsless, among these amazing and inspiring people? what were they thinking?" and even though i wasnt as prepared as i wished i was in terms of knowing the schedule or getting people's attention or being as good as i can be, i still consider this a success.

i know that my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard.

there are no leaves on these trees.

2007-12-09T11:27:00.000-08:00

i've always been one for anticipation. i cant help it. and instead of trying to convey the reasons why in my own words--i'll just steal Jonathan Safran Foer's again:

“I like to see people reunited, maybe that’s a silly thing, but what can I say, I like to see peole run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouths cant tell fast enough, the ears that arent big enough, the eyes that cant take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone”

i'll never be the kind of person who could have everyone i love in one room, all together. not that im saying im this super popular person, but so far ive lead my life in small doses. i'm committed to the things that i do, and the people i do them with. but. you know those dreams where people from different parts of your life all come together and you dont question why your middle school boyfriend and your best friend from israel are suddenly sharing gossip? or when you start laughing at something but, oh wait, none of the people you are with are the people who were there when it happened? yeah. well. welcome to my life.

anyway--the only reason these thoughts are relevant right now is because in the small duffel bag sitting in my dorm room is everything im bringing with me over the course of the next month. im excited. i love knowing that such good things are so soon.

hey remember that time

2007-12-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

i was talking to someone recently, Reading Rainbow style, about how they should read Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer. I've read it at least five times, the pages are starting to get torn and dog-eared. After I showed him the cover via-skype, before I put it back on the shelf, I flipped through it yet again. I always forget certain parts and re-discover them each time I open it. For instance:

Jews Have Six Senses
Touch, taste, sight, smell, hearing...memory. While Gentiles experience and process the world through the traditional senses, and use memory only as a second-order means of interpreting events, for Jews memory is no less primary than the prick of a pin, or its silver glimmer, or the taste of the blood it pulls from the finger. The Jew is pricked by a pin and remembers other pins. It is only by tracing the pinprick back to other pinpricks--when his mother tried to fix his sleeve while his arm was still in it, when his grandfather's fingers fell asleep from strocking his great-grandfather's damp forehead, when Abraham tested the knife point to be sure Isaac would feel no pain--that the Jew is able to know why it hurts.
When a Jew encounters a pin, he asks: What does it remember like?

Its funny, because I remember the exact instance when I heard this passage outside the context of me with a hot cup of tea reading this on my bed. In the banquet hall-type room at the Top Hotel, prepping ourselves for our trip to the various concentration camps and museums and synagogues in the area. Of course the Top Hotel reminds me of Aaron Stern and I telling each other our life stories on the plane on the way to Prague, "The Top Hotel makes me want to cry," he told me. Which reminds me of my most recent plane ride which reminds me of the one im going to be taking next week which reminds me of last Biennial which reminds me of Leslie saying the Mourner's Kaddish instead of the Mishebarach and how she called me, bawling, to apologize which reminds me of how, at GUCI, we used to make fun of the counselor who said "Kaddish" with a really weird emphasis on the wrong part of the word which reminds me of Shabbat walk dates which reminds me of the application sitting on my desk which reminds me of the to-do list thats sitting beside it which...

my own web of pinpricks.

inspiration at last.

2007-11-24T20:08:00.000-08:00

yesterday i laughed. i laughed really, really hard. its not because anything was particularly funny, although an assortment of situations (including, but not limited to, instances involving spaghetti, stretching, hookers, and wisconsin) could have qualified as such. its because once again i felt content. the settled stomach, the easy smile, the knowledge that yes, these are the people i want to spend my time with.

for me, happiness comes easy. im good at it. i can distract myself and engage in activites that make me feel good. but contentness doesnt come around as often. as ive previously whined about, i get restless. i get a grass-is-always-greener complex and lose perspective. i feel better than i did before, but i dont want to spend quality time in a quality place wishing i was somewhere else. it takes the quality part out of the equation.

anyway. i think for the most part i saw everyone this weekend who reads this silly thing, so thank you. for sitting on a bed on a saturday night and swapping bedouin tent stories. for helping me pick out a new dress and make fun of shiny things. for not hating me through an afternoon full of "remember when's". for pinky promising to spend the summer together. for joining me in a messy family dinner. for confiding in me. for reminding me that yes, in fact, rule of life #8 is true: all roads lead to where you need to be.

Pepito, the Spanish Ambassador's son

2007-11-17T14:08:00.000-08:00

im sitting here reading the best letter ive ever recieved. again. for maybe the 80th time. "...or i could talk about nothing. because we are close now, arent we. close enough that nothing might mean so much more than a something i try to write down"
the author of this letter has seen me at my best and my worst. and my smartest and my dumbest. my most "what the hell was she thinking?!" and my most "good call!!" the author of this letter is still one of my closest friends.

recently, my life has been turning into the cliched garden state soundtrack and i just want to curl up and watch a movie and, yes, all i want to do is read the perks of being a wallflower. because for the first time in almost ever, i feel like one. its weird. this gigantic organization has chosen me because im good at meeting people and including people and understanding people and being inspired by people. and yet, almost at the exact same time, a tiny school is wrecking my confidence in every aforementioned aspect.

i tried to explain this to someone who, despite our best efforts, is becoming a pretty important person to me lately. "welcome to life" he said, "it sucks."

well the truth is, i dont want it to suck! i want to live in my own tiny universe of awe-inspiring people who make me laugh and write me letters that are so full of honesty and feeling that i want to cry! and i dont just want to sit in on my bed and read all of the funny things that we used to say, i want to go back and say them! i dont want to hear about my dad meeting one of my favorite musicians, i want to go to columbus with jack and see him perform! and i dont want it to be cold and dark out, i want to lay on the sand and be so overwhelmed by the sun that the only logical option is to throw myself into the waves! i want to run through the halls of my fucking high school! and yes, over-played as it may be, i sure as hell want to scream at the top of my lungs!

this, ladies and gentleman, is what i like to call restlessness. the overwhelming sense that i have to be somewhere else, anywhere else. the voice inside of my head telling me to do something, anything, to change the situation that i'm in. towards the end of high school, i grew so resentful of the fact that i would count down to things, that i would always wish that time went faster. and yet, i see myself doing the same thing here and now.

i dont have a cute, witty way to wrap this up, except to say that maybe we all have to get to a breaking point to make a break from our every day lives (i.e. thanksgiving break next week) really mean something.

the things im thankful for, a week early.

2007-11-13T17:20:00.000-08:00

for a new friend that keeps me in check and laughs with me when other people take themselves too seriously
for only seven more physics classes ever in my entire life
for a situation that i didnt think would work out well that's working out quite nicely so far
for knowing every line to one of my favorite movies, and for having a friend who doesnt mind me reciting them during her first time watching it
for more-icy-than-creamy ice cream in the caf
for a brother who reminds me why life is fun
for real falafel and elite chocolate and jerusalem stone in less than two months
for chuck klosterman writing a new book
for the friend who visits even when the situation is a little awkward
for a new weekend hang out spot
for not actually being allergic to sunlight and citrus fruit
for songs that remind me of people who make me happy
for having the opportunity to plan events at a zoo
for a sister who gets to experience them
for Florida's Natural Au'some Fruit Juice Nuggets
for Jim from the office
for feeling accomplished
for being able to see the sunset through the window of my favorite class
for having a really long list of things im thankful for

wes anderson and i should be friends

2007-11-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

"I love the way this country smells. I'll never forget it. It's kind of spicy."

last night, as i sat in the theater with my donkey-voiced friend, laughing and almost crying at the bittersweetness of the movie, no not movie, artwork that is The Darjeeling Limited, i realized that i was going back to israel.
sure, i was sent the ticket a few days ago...found out that i was going a few weeks before that. but yesterday, i realized.
for me, unlike most of my religious-minded friends, this isnt a spiritual journey. well in my own way, actually, maybe it is. the sun-soaked nostalgia that has been my existance since i left last june will come to life once again. but what i mean is that the infinity that i felt last time i was there...the people i was with when we went to the kotel, not the kotel itself, is what i'm inspired by. in that sense, i'm a little nervous. how can i expect this trip to possibly match the pure bliss that, at least in retrospect, i experienced last time? how can i arrive back at tzuba without sharing a bus seat with various ghosts of best friends past? how can i compare the trips? how cant i?
but then i take a deep breath. i remember where i was this weekend last month. i have nothing to worry about.

Margaret Olivia: Drama Queen Extraordinare

2007-10-29T17:18:00.000-07:00

"so em, where are you staying when you come visit?"
"uhh...my bed?"
"umm...thats jonah's bed now."
"oh. well. do you think he'll mind if i sleep in it cause its technically mine?"
"its not technically yours. you dont live here anymore."
"oh. well. can you not say 'visit'. it makes me sad. i'm coming home."
"this is not your home anymore. you have no place here."

i kid you not, this is how my 12 year old sister talks to me. she's out of her mind. directly after this part of the conversation, we go into what she's going to be for halloween. after suggesting the powerpuff girls (which, by the way, a very good friend of mine who is definitely male and definitely in college is also dressing up as. im sure if we're lucky enough we'll see it on facebook.), she howls with laughter for a good five minutes when i mention "professor x". just roars. this leads us, somehow, to the part of the conversation during which she tells me a campfire-type tale that started out "in eastern europe long ago, there was a rabbi who..."

maybe its just cause she's my sister, and maybe this wont translate at all, but oh my god this girl makes me laugh. i forget sometimes that she's only 12. its not even that she's all that mature, its just that she's so much goofier and so much more spirited and confident than i could ever hope to be when i was 12. she's the girl i was jealous of in middle school. the girl who looked like she was 16, had awesome older siblings, was totally self-aware, made all the cute boys laugh.
she has her faults. we get in our share of fights. and within two days of seeing her, i'll probably want to take back all of these nice things i'm saying about her. but. she makes me laugh. and, even though she's my sister and i dont have much of a choice, its the people who make me laugh who make everything worth it.

physics makes my stomach hurt

2007-10-25T13:02:00.000-07:00

i hate it. i've never struggled this hard to get a C in my life. ever. and its turning into this philosophical debate with myself on whether or not to give up. to nuclear or not to nuclear. that kind of thing.
my other classes? no problem. the material that im interested in flies by. well not flies, but i'm more willing to put work into things that i like, things that i'm interested in and want to understand.
maybe i should look at this as an expanding my horizons type thing. maybe it actually will help in life to know that this isotope has a half-life of 30.17 years and decays to the stable isotope 137B by beta decay.
the truth is that im too practical to actually believe that whether or not i understand the above will have a true effect on my life. practical in other areas of my life? yeah that's up for debate. but for now, i'm limiting the issues that i deal with to the cold classroom in the science building. anyway, more importantly, im too stubborn to accept that i could just drop the class. in the long run it will probably do more good than bad, and my head will certainly hurt much less.

at an art gallery down the street, hand drawn "DIY surrender kits" sat on a wall with a simple Take Me across the top. i did. the terms of my surrender, however, do not involve going to my professor with the news that i will not be returning. the terms of my surrender involve sucking it up for six more weeks and ploughing through. just go for it.
so here's to you, PHYS140, i'm waving my white flag.

tickle blankets and blue men

2007-10-21T11:05:00.000-07:00

im one of those assholes who finds a song she loves, listens to it over and over and over again, and then gets sick of it. sometimes i'll find it again and realize what i loved about it and sometimes ill find it again and laugh because i loved it in the first place. (i guess that can be associated with other parts of my life as well, now that i think about it.)
Relate To Me by The Voyces isn't the best song on the Thicker Than Water soundtrack. it isn't (if you're wondering, it's a tie between Rainbow and Holes to Heaven). but one rainy day sophomore or junior year i listened to it maybe eight thousand times. the distantly familiar voice, the comfort of an acoustic guitar, it just fits. two years later, it popped up on my pandora.com station. i cant help but soak in the nostalgia.
i hadn't watched garden state since the perfect day in israel. i was too scared, had built up the moment too much, too many expectations involved. i had just finished a test in reuven's class, josh's class had another three hours to go. we all yelled and made fun of our friends still struggling with the importance of Masada, why Herod made his stone a certain way. turns out that this time it ended up being great. the movie still makes me cry. the rainy day setting still makes me want to yell into an infinite abyss.
this past thursday, i was inspired. im finding this to be an ongoing trend for my thursdays, and something ive grown to look forward to. this time the inspiration came in the form of the founder of the blue man group who came to talk to us because he was a clark grad. he loves what he does. he adores it. and all i could do was sit there, agree with what he said, and hope that even a tiny part of me loves my career as much as he does. i wanted to be part of this club of innovation. i saw my favorite teacher laugh at their inside jokes and found myself wanting to be in on it too. "i'm in love with a girl whose in love with the world and i cant help but follow."
these songs and movies and moments dont really relate to each other, but over this lazy weekend, my first lazy weekend in a while, i'm starting to see the parts of me that have changed over the course of the last few years, and the parts that haven't changed at all.

harry potter.

2007-10-16T19:23:00.000-07:00

sometimes it creeps me out how accurate the "when it rains it pours" theory works for my life. since i'm one of those dancers in the rain, this euphamism works both for good things and bad things. last week? deadly thunderstorm. today? warm summer rain.
today i: talked to my preschool boyfriend, got three A's on the papers i got back from my favorite and most respected teacher, found out i was going to israel for longer than originally planned, finished a huge midterm, worked out, got my charger in the mail, bought a fantastic shirt, sang in the shower, and laughed so hard i almost couldnt breath.
when i get in moods like this, really overflowingly good ones, i sometimes overwhelm myself. though i'm generally optimistic, i get skeptical and worry sometimes how long it'll last. thats when the little voice in my head who knows i dont have control over every little situation or relationship shuts the rest of me up.
the next month or so is a lot less crazy for me than the one that preceded it. i'm excited to see what happens.

my to do list

2007-10-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

1. finish my entrepreneurship essay
2. get through my 530-9am shift at work tomorrow
3. drink more water
4. stop texting people i know its a bad idea to text
5. learn to sing like regina spektor
6. decide what im doing with my summer
7. use jonah's phrase "pergreato" ("its a mix of perfecto and great") in every day life
8. feel more pergreato in every day life.

elephants and snakes

2007-10-11T14:18:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting on my friend gina's bed, waiting to go to dinner.
last night i read, as i often do when i'm stressed out, the entirety of The Little Prince.
it didnt work.
but what does work is that thursday is my favorite night at clark.
obviously, the office, but something about open mic night and sitting in the bistro with the people who just get it.
its really nice.
part of me wishes i was where i was last week: sitting at the pb, arguing with the waiter, and buying too much snack food at the supermarket...
but we cant have everything, and i'm pretty happy with what i've got.
oh yeah. and evan's coming.

and yet...

2007-10-08T16:47:00.000-07:00

despite my previous entry, i've been inspired by the rantings of a certain young woman to remind myself that this weekend was incredible.
although sometimes i get distracted, my glass is often half full. i find joy in small things, seemingly meaningless things. so when i say that everything from a goofy egg and french fried meal to a conference call to a photo session confirmed for me that i made the right decision, i mean it.

arachnophobia

2007-10-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

i could dwell all day on the things that i'm scared of. i could stay overwhelmed and feel sick to my stomach and worry that i do or do not make the right decisions. i could regret and overanalyze and feel sorry for.

or.

or i could walk out of my dorm room today knowing that i can only do so much and then its out of my control. i can only say so much or feel so much or hurt so much and then i have to accept that my words are only my words until i say them out loud.

i hope that the pain in the pit of my stomach settles soon.

live for a living

2007-09-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

"this makes me want to change the world," i told my friend, my partner in crime. we had just walked in late to a slam poetry event that we thought would suck. we were wrong. sometimes im overwhelmed when other people say things better than i could even hope to.

(i want to skew the difference between tai chi and chai tea and end up drinking a tall glass of graceful force.)

this time, i was overwhelmed with my contentness. in a good way. i mean i guess its hard to be content in a bad way, but it doesnt matter right now. there are those nights, every once in a while, where you think the day is just going to end and you'll wake up the next morning unaffected. they just pass. not tonight. and im not even sure why. it just worked.

(i don't know if possibly, i'm in love, but i know i love possibility.)

a long time ago, a friend of mine told me that i was in love with love. he scoffed. he said it as if it was a weakness. i've never forgiven him. i'm in love with love like jim and pam on the office. you laugh now, but thats how its supposed to be.

(i'll be there chasing sound waves.)

pandora.com has re-entered my life and it has changed my past 48 hours. in retrospect, i cant believe i let it slip away.

i've been so up and down lately, and i guess it just feels good to feel good. last weekend was wonderful. a welcomed break in my already-molded routine. a friendly face i hadn't seen in too long. next weekend will be the official start of something new, something big. but right now? I'm listening to a song from a band i've never heard of after hearing poetry from a performer i've never heard of after attending a meeting for a magazine i havent written for yet and its the most familiar and comfortable i've felt since i got here.

new slang

2007-09-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

its amazing, really, how restless i get and how quickly i get there.
and i like to think that i'm at least a generally rational person. i mean i make my big leaps and i have my huge "emily what are you thinking?" moments and i get hung up on situations i probably shouldnt, but still. wow. sometimes.
the only other places where i've really felt this way were at camp and in israel. and in those instances, i had a group of people with me who were equally restless. my mismatched gang of causeless rebels who also were inclined to create a 3-D fake fire or make a lanyard or dye my bangs superhero red or play Most Likely To or draw with pudding on our front porch or dance in the rain. these activites made sense because we were going-out-of-our-minds bored with all things conventional. my restlessness here results in much less productivity. in all honesty, its usually more along the lines of watching top chef or window shopping online.
i dont know. its the new year. i'm never one for resolutions, mostly due to the aforementioned restlessness. that isnt to say that i dont follow through on things, but i dont like the forced something-news. i like playing things out and seeing how they work.
in the next four weeks, i'm going to new york, toronto, and boston. hopefully some adventure and change of scenery will help.

you were right about the stars

2007-09-05T19:02:00.000-07:00

my physics professor tells me that we're all made out of old star stuff.
my comm101 professor tells me dialogue can solve everything.
my seminar professor tells me what is cool.
my pla in my seminar tells me that my professor is insane.
my entrepreneurship professor tells me that the rules are bullshit and i should make everyday interesting.

i like it here.

body paint and philosophical debate: welcome to the first friday at clark.

2007-08-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

theres this quote from a movie, the last kiss. "What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts."

it doesnt have much to do with the following, ive just been thinking about that a lot lately.

the best part of my night last night wasnt the stereotypical friday night college festivites that took up a good part of my evening (although it was pretty great). it wasnt the glow paint that im still wiping off my ears and shoes and stomach (messy, but fun). it was the post-easy mac conversation that i continued from earlier that afternoon with one of my new friends about judaism and christianity and islam and buddhism.

yes, theology at two in the morning.

and the great thing, the best thing, was its innocence. i wasnt arguing, and i certainly wasnt accusing or judging or defending. i was just telling. and listening. and the beauty of the conversation was in its simplicity. it gave me a chance to really figure out what was important to me, i mean at least the 20 minute toasty version. the only thing that this boy knows about judaism and my views is what i was presenting. and that freedom was incredible. i wasn't talking to someone who knew what pvp or mvp or str or par or sicha meant. i wasn't talking to someone who could recite the barchu or perform the motions to baby shark.

i dont know, i know im the kind of person who has to talk things out and work things over before i finalize my thoughts, and this was just one of those right place/right time opportunities to do so.

beyond that, things are going great. theres lulls, but not once have i asked myself what the hell i was doing here. because it feels right. i woke up the past two mornings just feeling so naturally comfortable here.

live from worcester, mass.

2007-08-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

so yes, i've given in. im exploring the infinite abyss of who's-reading-my-thoughts-and-do-i-care-and-is-what-im-saying-important-or-just-ranting. it feels good.

so does being here. yes, i've already been warned to not walk on main street after dark. yes, i've sat through boring and redundant floor meetings. and yes, for the first time in four years i have to start from scratch and actually meet people that don't know so-and-so or hooked up with whats-her-face.

but. im in my dorm room. MY DORM ROOM.

and it feels pretty nice.